


helpless when you hold me, hopeless when you let me go

by Dienerys



Category: C-Pop, K-pop, 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff, Idiots in Love, Jealousy, M/M, Minor Angst, Mostly Fluff, Mutual Pining, Pining, han mubo is dense, qin fen is denser
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:55:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 26,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25801699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dienerys/pseuds/Dienerys
Summary: Han Mubo is not good at dealing with feelings. Much less complicated feelings. So he just doesn’t deal with them.Qin Fen is pretty. And so, so oblivious.
Relationships: Dong Yanlei/Luo Zheng, Han Mubo/Qin Fen, Lin Yanjun/You Zhangjing, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Past Qin Fen/Jackson Wang, Qin Fen & Jackson Wang
Comments: 23
Kudos: 13





	1. dont catch me

**Author's Note:**

> MUFEN aka the parents of ip. im salty there aren’t more mufen fics.

Han Mubo knew, abstractly, that Qin Fen had history with Jackson Wang. They had met during their teenage years; Qin Fen only sixteen at the time.

It was one thing to know and another to be faced with it when seeing the two of them in the same room. When seeing way Jackson’s eyes had tracked through the crowd and landed right on Qin Fen. It had unsettled Han Mubo and the latter found himself unconsciously leaning closer to his companion.

Also the way they seemed to have an easy rapport: Jackson cheering when they entered and Qin Fen introducing himself while looking directly at Jackson, it was like they were the only two in the room which set Mubo a bit off-kilter.

But after their performance, after Jackson had all but ripped into Qin Fen, Han Mubo was feeling a little annoyed at the mentor.

Between the disappointment on Jackson’s face and the fact that Fen refused to meet his eyes afterwards, Han Mubo found himself bristling slightly and moving closer either in an attempt to shield Fen or comfort him, he wasn’t totally sure. He felt like Jackson had been harsher on him than he needed to be.

He did notice the way Jackson’s gaze flicked oddly between the two of them though and he felt a deep sense of disappointment that they were in different ranks.

After the filming ended, Jackson caught up with Qin Fen.

“Fen-ge,” his brows furrow, “I hope I wasn’t too harsh. I just. I know you can be better, I know you can do more”

Qin Fen’s shoulders relax a tension that Han Mubo hadn’t noticed before.

“It’s fine,” he smiles. Jackson looks relieved.

“It’s good to see you again, ge”

The ensuing hug lasts long enough for Han Mubo to feel uncomfortable again.

It would make sense that he’s uncomfortable. He’s not the most physically demonstrative person to begin with, having only started being comfortable enough able to lean into and off of Qin Fen.

Qin Fen, on the other hand, thrives on physical affection. He can frequently be found snuggling the younger members or, more likely, Mubo himself.

It had taken awhile for Mubo to come to terms with his labelmate’s touchy-feely tendencies. The first few weeks had Mubo wondering how exactly he was expected to react to such blatant skinship. Mostly he just allows it.

He studiously ignores the uncomfortable spike in his stomach at the way Fen smiles at Jackson, foolish and content, and the way Jackson returns it.

They have a similar energy, Han Mubo had noticed over the course of the night. He wonders if it’s a rapper thing or a Korea thing.

He doesn’t want to think it’s a them thing.

“Fen-ge,” Jing Peiyao’s gaze flits between Mubo and Fen with an odd expression, “Fen-ge, we should go!”

Qin Fen smiles apologetically at Jackson before pulling him in for a fist bump and bro-hug.

Mubo tries not to focus on the way Jackson seems to hold on a second longer than what would be considered normal.

“It was good to see him again,” Fen says with another foolish smile as they leave for the dorms.

“It’s so cool,” Qin Zimo stares at the elder Qin with an almost starstruck expression, “I wish I was close with Jackson Wang”

Qin Fen snorts and ruffles Zimo’s hair.

“You’d annoy him to death”

Qin Zimo pouts. Jing Peiyao pats him on the shoulder.

The younger trio walks ahead, bickering about something or another and Fen falls back to walk next to Mubo, who is still lost in thought.

“Lao Han?” Qin Fen lightly bumps Han Mubo with his shoulder, “everything okay? You’ve been quiet”

Mubo’s gaze tracks across Fen’s face. Beautiful. He thinks. Foolishly beautiful.

He quickly shakes those thoughts away. It’s not weird to find someone attractive right? Zhang Yixing is beautiful. And so is Jolin Tsai. He can appreciate an attractive person, right? It doesn’t mean anything-

“Lao Han?”

Han Mubo quickly corrals his thoughts and shoves his hands in his pockets.

“Just thinking about our performance,” he says, hoping Qin Fen will buy his lie.

There’s a flicker of doubt on his face but, much to Mubo’s relief, Fen lets it slide. Instead he throws his arm around Mubo’s shoulder and pulls him closer.

It settles something in Han Mubo’s chest.

They end up being distracted by Zuo Ye’s wailing at the fact the Qin Zimo gets to room with Cai Xukun.


	2. i like the feeling of falling

After ranking reevaluations, both Han Mubo and Qin Fen know that the latter’s position in B class is at risk.

He’s not stupid. He knows Qin Fen is not taking this seriously. He’s seen Qin Fen’s serious side and he knows that a serious Qin Fen would not just completely give up on performing something.

Maybe the re-evaluation will help knock some sense into his pretty head.

As they stand, waiting to be called, Han Mubo can’t help but risk a glance at Qin Fen. His counterpart doesn’t look too nervous.

They call his name and Qin Fen exhales.

The expression on Jackson’s face is pained. Heartbroken and disappointed and a million other things.

Mubo knows that a silent conversation passes between them as Qin Fen opens his card.

Despite knowing it would be bad, Han Mubo can’t help the sinking of his heart when Qin Fen joins the F-ranked trainees.

He’s grateful he’s still in C, even if he’s disappointed he didn’t go up in rank. Maintaining is better than dropping at least.

After the evaluation, he goes to find Qin Fen to comfort him, but when he manages to track him down he hears another voice and pauses. Something sharp squeezes his chest.

“Why?” he hears Jackson ask. “I know you can do better, ge”

Qin Fen’s sigh. Han Mubo inches closer to the wall.

“I don’t know, Jackson. Sometimes...” he can hear the exhaustion in his labelmate’s voice, “I think I’m too old for this. I had already left the stage, my knees are no good, maybe I made a mistake. I can’t outcompete the younger trainees...”

“You can!” Han Mubo blinks at the vehemence in Jackson’s voice. “You once said to me that if you have a passion, you should pursue it with everything you have. I remember, ge, back in Korea. You had an energy and a love for the stage. You came on this show for a reason. You came on this show because you said you were unhappy, you were living a half-life off the stage. So don’t waste this opportunity”

It’s silent for awhile before Qin Fen lets out a laugh. Soft and warm and Mubo’s chest clenches.

“When did you become so wise?” the affection in Fen’s tone is like an arrow to Mubo’s heart.

“Maybe if you talked to me more you would know,” he hears the almost-pout in Jackson’s voice. “You didn’t need to completely drop out of my life, you know. You didn’t even wish me happy birthday!”

Qin Fen sighs.

“I really am sorry. I just...it was too hard to talk to everyone knowing how much I missed the stage. I guess, I guess I was ashamed”

Qin Fen had never talked to him about these feelings. In fact, Fen didn’t often talk about his time in Korea or after leaving the stage and Mubo never pushed. He had always guessed it was a sensitive subject for the older male.

He’s pulled back to the conversation at his name.

“-for Mubo, I wouldn’t be here honestly”

Han Mubo feels a swell of pride.

“Well, I’m grateful to him for bringing you back into my life. Don’t be a stranger anymore. Even after this show ends”

“I promise,” Qin Fen laughs. “I’ve missed you”

“I’ve missed you too”

Han Mubo risks a peek around the corner.

Qin Fen and Jackson are both sitting on the ground side by side with their backs against the wall.

Jackson’s head is on Qin Fen’s shoulder and Qin Fen’s legs are thrown over Jackson’s. Their hands are loosely tangled between them. They look comfortable in each other’s presence.

It makes something complicated and painful curl in Mubo’s chest and he slips away, feeling confused about what exactly he’s feeling and why.

His thoughts are in turmoil; spinning around his head and drowning him. Usually when his thoughts get like this, he channels his emotions into playing cello or violin.

Mubo glances at his cello in the corner of the room, taking up a ridiculous amount of space in the small dorm. He debates with himself for a moment but, deciding it’s too much effort to find somewhere to practice, he chooses to get ready for bed despite being unable to sleep.

An indeterminate time after he’s shut off the light, he hears the door open. Jing Peiyao and Zuo Ye enter the room laughing and chattering before quieting when they think that Mubo is asleep.

He lies awake as Peiyao and Zuo Ye wish each other a quiet goodnight and climb into their beds.

Still no Qin Fen.

Eventually he hears the door to the room open again and peeks at his watch from under the blanket.

2:38.

Three hours since he had left Fen and Jackson.

He feels a twinge. A twinge of some emotion that chokes him and makes him curl up on his side in an attempt to breathe easier.

Even after Qin Fen has quietly slid into his own bed, Han Mubo lies awake.

Eventually the sun peeks through the curtain and Mubo has gotten absolutely no sleep so he just gives up on trying and slips out to the practice rooms.

He tries to shove all thoughts of Qin Fen out of his head as he practices for the theme song.

Tries.

He’s not exactly able to figure out why he has such complicated feelings towards his friend. He’s not even sure what the complicated feelings are. He’s not good at feelings to begin with, much less complicated feelings.

So Mubo avoids Fen for the next few days. Which is surprisingly easy. He’s focused on practicing for the theme song and Qin Fen is still in the practice rooms with the rest of the F rank trainees.

Han Mubo still wishes Qin Fen was there with him though despite being glad to avoid him. It just complicates his feelings more, especially when he sees the little following the older trainee has gathered.

Qin Fen has always been able to make friends easily. His personality like a beacon drawing people in. He befriended nearly all of B class, comforting the younger trainees and quickly became ge and leader to the entire F class.

Qin Zimo and Jing Peiyao had told Mubo about Qin Fen’s inspirational speech and Mubo had felt a flicker of pride. He wishes he had been there to hear it too.

Even in the hallways, they would approach him; Dong Yanlei following him around like a puppy dog. Jin Yihan and Chen Minghao gravitating towards him in a group. Bu Fan seeking him out and teasing him by knuckling the top of his head or slinging an arm around his shoulders.

In the cafeteria, he would get swarmed by the F rank trainees all chattering at him and to him. Even Luo Zheng in all his awkwardness would find his way to Qin Fen.

It also serves only to emphasize the difference between them. Han Mubo has never been good at getting close to people.

Han Mubo suddenly becomes aware of a Fen-shaped hole in his life.

When he sees Qin Fen and the rest of F rank enter the theme song stage, he’s hit with the fluttery feelings full force and has to sit on the edge of the stage. They only intensify as Fen leads the trainees in the theme song dance, and the relief he feels when Fen gets chosen as one of the trainees to be able to dance on stage would have knocked him to his knees if he wasn’t already sitting.

Qin Fen has finally gotten serious.

The triumphant smile Qin Fen sends his way causes him to melt.

That’s when Han Mubo has an earth-shattering revelation that tilts his world on it’s axis and everything slots into place as the odd feelings the last few days suddenly begin to make sense

He’s in love with Qin Fen.


	3. distraction of the worst sort

Han Mubo doesn’t have much time to ruminate on his newly realized feelings because the first group battle begins.

He doesn’t expect that Qin Fen and him will end up in the same song. Fen is a rapper, Mubo is a vocalist.

So when they both end up in Can’t Stop shortly after discovering his feelings for Qin Fen, Mubo blames fate.

They’re sitting in the practice room watching Team A practice. Han Mubo casts a glance over Xu Shengen and Qin Fen.

Xu Shengen hasn’t left Qin Fen’s side. The younger rapper seems to have an almost hero-worship of him. A lot of the younger trainees admire him. He’s one of the, if not the most, approachable experienced trainees.

“Fen-ge,” Mubo hears Shengen whisper, “can you help me with this part later?”

Qin Fen peers over Shengen’s shoulder and taps a brief rhythm.

“Sure, this part is easy, you’re good so you’ll get it after a couple tries”

Shengen practically glows at him which makes Han Mubo feel uncomfortable.

Mubo switches places with Shengen while Jeffrey is singing, puzzling the younger male. Fen looks at him with a question and Mubo shakes his head. He kind of regrets his actions, but he also doesn’t.

They sit down to watch Jeffery sing the song alone. Mubo can’t help but worry over the shy youth who he’s somehow taken under his wing. He notices Shengen making a beeline for Fen and moves to sit next to him instead.

The disappointed expression settles on his face and he ends up sitting in front of Fen.

“You’ve collected quite a little fan club,” Han Mubo whispers, squatting against the wall. Qin Fen shakes his head, amused.

“Jealous?” he winks. Mubo freezes for a moment.

Oh. Maybe he is.

Fortunately he’s saved from having to reply by Jeffrey starting to sing.

Crap. He’s jealous.

After their practice, Han Mubo calls a group meeting. Qin Fen settles next to him.

“Jia Li and Ling Chao, even though they each have their own style, they can still follow,” Mubo says. “Jeffrey can follow too, but he needs to think a lot,” Mubo feels like he’s losing his words at Jeffrey’s kicked puppy expression, “his brain needs to think, my expression, my lyrics, he needs to think of the lyrics...” Mubo doesn’t know how to phrase things nicely. He’s been accused of lacking tact, preferring to say things as they are without sugarcoating, but Jeffrey is looking at him with resigned doe eyes. “He needs to think whether the moves are looking good, if they’re correct. I’m afraid with such a big stage, it is our first, the first stage of the show. How do we hold them, hold the stage, hold our teammates, hold our opponents. I think to you it’s a bit...” he makes a vague gesture, “you are aiming too high”

Jeffrey looks sad, but nods. Mubo can feel Qin Fen shift on his chair and he knows he’s going to hear about it later.

“My opinion is that if you all want to change the center,” Jeffrey says in his soft voice and Mubo’s heart sinks. He didn’t mean that! “Really I’m okay with it”

“Not that we want to change,” Mubo desperately backtracks, ignoring Qin Fen’s silently judging gaze and trying to keep the panic down at the misunderstanding, “it’s whether you feel secure. If you need to change. We are not making you step down. We are just suggesting to you, you can build your own opinion on top of that, if you say you don’t want to, you want to try again, we will continue helping you with this,” his explanation gets increasingly wordy and he doesn’t think he got his point across.

“As Mubo raises this request,” Qin Fen begins. “Then you consider if you want to change...” he looks at Mubo.

Mubo panics even more now. Qin Fen must think he’s a jerk.

“Don’t-” he blurts out, flushing red. Qin Fen hesitates. “It’s because I want to protect Jeffrey...” the smile that curves Fen’s lips is amused and somewhat soft, “that’s why I say this,” Mubo looks at him, almost as if pleading for Fen to understand he didn’t mean it the way it came across.

“Right,” Qin Fen laughs, the sharpness in his gaze softens. Mubo exhales in relief.

They end their little huddle with Jeffrey looking slightly more determined.

“Did you really think I wanted him to change?” Mubo asks quietly once they’re the only two remaining. Fen looks at him.

“I didn’t think so, but I also wasn’t sure. You need to work on your delivery”

Mubo isn’t sure what his expression says, but it’s enough to cause Fen to burst into hysterical laughter, clinging to his arm.

A handful trainees passing by startle before smiling.

Han Mubo knows that he and Qin Fen have become the unofficial parents of all the Idol Producer trainees.

They had had quiet arguments between themselves over who was mom and who was dad.

Han Mubo has to admit, albeit reluctantly, he’s probably the mom. He knows he’s the stricter of the two; less approachable and his way of caring for the trainees consists of making sure they’re hydrated, making sure they have their coats, making sure they’re eating properly and that they’re behaving themselves.

Qin Fen is much more laidback; he jokes around with them and encourages them with his words. He patiently teaches them how to dance and how to sing and how to perform, imparting his knowledge of debut and what the stage is like.

It’s hard to argue that they don’t make a good pair. Where Mubo is unable to get his point across without seeming rude, Fen is able to easily smooth things over. Fen’s easygoing and approachable nature is a contrast to Mubo’s reserved and aloof personality that hides his awkwardness.

As they make their way back to the dorms and get ready for bed, Mubo is again quietly grateful that Qin Fen found his way into his life.

The next day at practice has Han Mubo shaken up again though.

Jackson enters with his usual enthusiastic greeting that rattles everyone from their half-asleep daze.

He makes a beeline for Qin Fen; fist-bumping before pulling him into a bro-hug.

“Aren’t you a rapper?” he teases, “what are you doing in a ballad?”

“I am a rapper!” Qin Fen fires back. “I’m rapping in the ballad”

Jackson makes a joking disbelieving noise and Qin Fen shoves him.

They spend time in between takes and between Jackson helping them practice messing around with each other while the younger trainees stare in awe.

Again, Han Mubo feels a pang in his chest at just how easy it seems to be for Fen to leave him behind.

Jeffrey pats his shoulder.

Mubo shakes his head and focuses on his singing, trying to ignore the way Fen’s distinctive laugh at something Jackson says drifts over to him.

The day of the dress rehearsal arrives quicker than Han Mubo had expected.

He doesn’t feel ready. Even less so when he sees Qin Fen leaving the dressing room in a blue and white suit.

Fen is ridiculously attractive and Mubo feels himself melting, his higher brain function failing.

“You’re staring, Mubo-ge,” Jeffrey nudges him.

Han Mubo startles, looking at Jeffrey. The doe-eyed boy blinks innocently up at him. Jeffrey may seem like an oblivious kid, but he is actually surprisingly perceptive.

“You look...” Qin Fen’s gaze is filled with wonder, “wow”

Mubo flushes. “You too”

Fen shakes his head, hand coming up to grip the fabric of Mubo’s sleeve and rub it between his fingers.

Mubo adjusts Fen’s collar, smoothing it.

“You’re like an old married couple,” Bu Fan snickers. Yue Yue shakes his head, but a smile plays on his face.

“Mom and dad,” Jeffrey says earnestly. Yanlei grins.

“Fen-ba, Bo-ma”

“Hey!” Mubo frowns, “who said he was the dad?”

Qin Fen laughs and pats his hand.

“Now, now dear,” he says playfully. Mubo feels his stomach flip at the term of endearment, even if it is a joke, before they’re called on stage. Fen squeezes his hand in comfort and reassurance before following the group.

Han Mubo thinks about Fen as he sings, but he can’t look at him, even as the smooth rap washes over him, sending shivers down his spine and making his chest ache. Even when Fen is in the center and they’re all facing him, he has to look off to the side.

He knows if he looks at him, he’ll lose his focus.

Mentor evaluation goes well and Mubo feels lighter, more prepared for the actual performance the next day.

He just needs to make sure he can keep himself from being distracted by the way the jacket stretches across Fen’s shoulders or the way his hair falls in his face.

That will probably be easier said than done.

Despite Mubo’s worries however, he feels like the performance actually went very well.

The song ends and they line up. Fen wraps his arms around Zihao’s waist in a comforting hug. The younger male had lost his headset halfway through and had been upset about it.

It stirs something uncomfortable in Han Mubo’s stomach and he pushes it aside as they make their way to the announcement room.

Of course Shengen drags Qin Fen to sit next to him. Mubo ends up between Jeffery and Jia Li.

The sting is lessened somewhat when Qin Fen leans forward into him during the countdown. Mubo instinctively leans back, turning to look at Fen in the chaos.

Shengen is clinging to Fen again.

Mubo feels a flare of pride when his score is higher than You Zhangjing. He risks a glance at Fen, but the slightly older trainee is staring resolutely at the screen. The pride settles into disappointment and he feels Jeffrey take his hand, squeezing it.

When he turns back to look, Fen’s gaze flicks from him back to the screen. Shengen is now draped around Zihao and Mubo can breathe again.

Then Qin Fen’s score comes out and Mubo feels his stomach sink. 

He knows Qin Fen is already questioning whether he can compete against the younger trainees, so to have lost by such a wide margin to a trainee a decade younger than him...

He hopes this doesn’t discourage Fen from the rest of the competition.

Mubo’s arm is around Jeffrey’s shoulder. He can feel the younger male getting more and more nervous as each score comes out, but at Fen’s score the nervousness peaks. He knows Jeffrey looks up to Fen and seeing someone that talented lose by such a number unnerves him.

Sure enough, Jeffrey loses.

He can feel Jeffrey’s disappointment at the score. But he knows even Jeffrey knows he didn’t perform to the best of his abilities.

He tries to catch Fen’s gaze, but Fen is busy consoling the younger males on the team before they get swept into a group hug.

Qin Fen is strangely distant the rest of the night.

He stands behind Mubo in the line as scores are announced. Mubo desperately wants to turn and look at him but he resists the urge, afraid he’ll give his feelings away.

When they dismiss them to comfort each other, Fen doesn’t say a word to him and immediately goes to find Zimo, the stupid red beanie making him stand out.

Mubo watches as he moves to playfully tease Justin, trying to show the younger trainee there are no hard feelings.

Everyone begins to trickle out. The mood is decidedly low as the younger OACA trio joins them at the door. Even Zimo is subdued.

The younger boys branch off leaving Qin Fen and Han Mubo behind. The atmosphere is awkward and Mubo doesn’t know what to say or do.

“I’m going on a walk,” Qin Fen says abruptly, “I’ll meet you back at the dorms”

Mubo looks at him. Fen’s expression is closed off, almost impossible to read. It bothers him more than he’d like to admit.

“Okay”

Fen looks like he wants to say something, but he turns away and walks off.

Mubo feels like he’s missing something as he makes his way back to the dorms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh mubo you idiot


	4. old friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so what exactly is qin fen thinking?

Qin Fen’s thoughts are swirling in his head. Doubts thought long-suppressed begin to rear their heads and, not for the first time, does he wonder if maybe his days of performing are over and he’s just grasping at wisps of a dream.

It also doesn’t help that it felt like Mubo didn’t even notice. That he didn’t even think twice about how Qin Fen was doing.

Fen knows it’s selfish, knows that he shouldn’t expect Han Mubo to worry about him or what he’s feeling, but it still hurts more than he’d like to admit.

He also understands his labelmate’s doting on Jeffrey. They had both become fond of the shy younger trainee, and Jeffrey didn’t have this kind of experience like they did.

Mubo had been a contestant on X-Fire so he was familiar with this unique feeling of competition. Fen had trained and debuted in Korea, which is far more cutthroat than the Chinese industry.

He goes to the mentor’s rooms, quietly knocking on Jackson’s door. If there’s anyone who can help him sort out his thoughts, it’s Wang Jiaer.

The door is opened by his friend, clearly already ready for bed in a t-shirt and basketball shorts.

“Sorry,” Fen says automatically, turning to leave, “you’re ready for bed and-”

“I heard,” Jackson says quietly, pulling him inside the room, “how are you doing? And if you say ‘fine’, I will smack you”

Fen laughs, but it lacks humor. He flops onto the bed facedown. Jackson sits next to him, patiently waiting.

“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised,” he says, rolling onto his back before sitting up and hanging his head, “Justin is younger and cuter. He has more energy. This is what I was talking about. Maybe I’m too old for this. Maybe my chance passed”

“Hey, cheer up,” Jackson murmurs, reaching out and cupping his cheek, “it’s only the first stage”

“I’m not even sure whether I’m disappointed because I lost, or whether it’s because Mubo didn’t even glance in my direction after”

Jackson frowns slightly.

“He was too focused on Jeffrey,” Qin Fen explains.

“Could he be interested in Jeffrey?” Jackson raises an eyebrow.

Fen snorts and shakes his head.

“Definitely not. Jeffrey is like our kid. Even if he wasn’t, I’m pretty sure Han Mubo is straight”

“I’ve told you this before, Roi,” Jackson shakes his head, “I’ve seen the way he looks at you. And the way he looks at me when I’m with you. So maybe he’s FenFen-sexual”

Qin Fen chokes and swats at Jackson, shoving his friend off the bed. Jackson grabs his sleeve and pulls him off with him. They collapse on the ground together, laughing.

“Aiya,” Fen sighs, pushing Jackson’s hair out of his face, “why couldn’t it have been you, Jiaer?” he sighs, gaze tracking along Jackson’s face. “It would be so easy”

“We tried, Roi,” Jackson’s hand comes up to trace Fen’s cheek, “it didn’t work”

Qin Fen leans down and presses his lips against Jackson’s forehead in a familial gesture. His friend smiles.

Back in Korea, they had both been children. Qin Fen had been sixteen, Jackson had been a lanky fourteen year old. Both displaced boys who had found friendship and comfort with each other in a foreign city and the shared stress of being a trainee.

It wasn’t easy for non-trainees to understand why they would put themselves through all of that, so it made maintaining connections with their old friends difficult.

Maybe it had just been them clinging to something familiar, maybe it had been curiosity, but whatever had been between them hadn’t lasted. They had eventually settled into more of a brotherly relationship rather than romantic. They were both too similar for things to work out that way anyways.

They had debuted the same year under different companies and it makes Qin Fen wonder if they had been under the same company, where would his career be now?

“You’re thinking too much,” Jackson taps Fen on the forehead.

Fen sighs.

“Just thinking about the past,” Fen says. Jackson nods.

“You’ll do better in the next stage,” Jackson murmurs. “You have to get serious now, Fen”

“If I’m still around,” Fen laughs bitterly. Jackson squeezes his waist, gaze darkening.

“Don’t say things like that,” he frowns, “you’ll make it. I have faith in you”

“I don’t”

“Then I’ll have enough for us both,” Jackson laughs. “Hey,” he abruptly changes subjects, “remember that time you accidentally called that waitress a cow because you didn’t know Korean well?”

Qin Fen laughs at the memory.

They spend the next few hours reminiscing and catching up. Qin Fen’s stomach hurts from laughing and he feels like a smile is permanently etched on his face but he feels lighter.

After three yawns in the span of five minutes, Fen decides it’s time to leave.

“Thanks, Jiaer,” Fen murmurs as his friend pulls him into a bone-cracking hug, “you’ve always been able to cheer me up”

“You need to sort things out with Han Mubo,” Jackson says, arm still around Fen’s neck. “I say this with love, hyung,” Fen feels a flicker of nostalgia at a long-forgotten term, “watching you guys is painful”

Qin Fen snorts and sighs.

“I really don’t think he sees me that way, Jiaer. He’s never shown any interest and when I try to initiate things, he pulls back,” Fen blinks, “could he know how I feel and it’s his way of politely turning me down?”

The look Jackson gives him is long-suffering and disbelieving.

“Does that sound like Han Mubo to you?” Jackson laughs. Fen smiles slightly. He supposes if there’s one thing about Han Mubo that would save this situation, it’s his awkward bluntness.

“I guess you’re right”

“Oh hang on,” Jackson digs through his drawer and pulls out a black scarf, wrapping it around Fen’s neck. “Here. You look cold”

Fen laughs as Jackson practically smothers him with his scarf. Only his eyes peek out over the top as he sends his friend a fond look.

“Now don’t think you’re getting off easily,” Fen points, voice muffled by the black fabric. Jackson looks at him in confusion. “You know once my head is more settled, we’re going to be discussing you and Mark”

Jackson turns a dark shade of red and shoves a laughing Fen out the door.

Qin Fen steps out into the cold winter night and burrows his face deeper into the scarf as he looks up at the sky.

He does feel lighter, even if he still doesn’t know what to do about Mubo.

Jackson is right about one thing though. Qin Fen knows he needs to stop skating by in this show. He has experience debuting already, which is more than most of the other trainees. So maybe, just maybe, he’ll have a chance at redemption.

He pushes open the door to the OACA dorm, surprised the light is still on.

Mubo is sitting on his bed, brows furrowed.

“Where did you go?” Qin Fen can’t help the traitorous leap of his heart. Was Mubo worried? “The kids were worried”

Fen feels the sudden lightness change to a heavy weight almost as fast as it had arrived.

“I told you, on a walk,” Fen moves to the chair, taking off his jacket.

“To buy a scarf?” there’s an odd tone in Mubo’s voice.

Fen meets his gaze and there’s a strange tension in the room that’s broken by a cry of “Fen-ge!” and the return of the baby line who crowd around him like ducklings.

He feels his chest constrict as Mubo turns and begins pulling out his pajamas and Qin Fen retreats to the safety of the bathroom.


	5. every little thing

Mubo stays awake for as long as he can. It’s been a couple of hours since Qin Fen had left on his walk.

He would be lying if he said he wasn’t worried. He once again curses the show for taking their phones.

“Bo-ge, where’s Fen-ge?” Jing Peiyao asks when he enters the room.

“I don’t know”

The younger boy blinks at him.

“Everything okay, ge?” Peiyao sits on the edge of the bed. Mubo sighs and nods.

“He didn’t do as well as he hoped”

Peiyao furrows his brows.

“Why aren’t you with him ge?”

Mubo opens his mouth but doesn’t know how to answer the younger male.

Why isn’t he with him?

“He wanted time to think”

Peiyao exchanges a look with Zuo Ye and Mubo knows they don’t believe him, but they don’t press the matter and instead leave the dorm on a quest to find Zimo.

A few minutes later, the door opens again and Qin Fen enters, cheeks pink from the cold.

“Where did you go?” Mubo asks, gaze flicking to the scarf that Fen had not been wearing when he left, “the kids were worried”

Something flickers across Fen’s face and he looks away with a sigh.

“I told you, on a walk”

“To buy a scarf?”

Fen’s hand moves up to curl around the fabric. Mubo feels a sinking weight in his stomach as he recognizes it as belonging to one Jackson Wang.

He opens his mouth to say something when Zuo Ye and Peiyao return.

“Fen-ge!” Zuo Ye hugs him, trailed by Peiyao. “It sucks. We thought you did great”

“You really did,” Peiyao says. “You should have won”

“You guys too,” Fen ruffles their hair as they chatter at him. Mubo turns and begins getting ready for bed. By the time he’s turned around Qin Fen has disappeared into the bathroom.

Mubo can’t sleep. Again. He may be a bit slow with these things, but even he can tell Fen is upset at him. He sits up, glancing at Qin Fen who is still awake, dark eyes staring at nothing.

He gets out of his bed and moves to Fen’s.

“This is about more than the score, isn’t it?” Mubo asks softly.

Qin Fen snorts, turning on his side to face the wall.

“You didn’t even think to ask how I was feeling,” Fen says in a small voice. Mubo feels regret curl in his stomach.

“Fen, I-”

“It’s fine,” Fen whispers, voice choked with emotion.

Mubo sighs, guilt flooding him. He slides under the blankets, pulling Fen against his chest.

The older male stifles his sobs against Mubo’s silk pajamas, arms coming up to wrap around him.

“Sorry...” Fen whispers through his tears.

“No,” Mubo murmurs, “I’m sorry. I should’ve paid more attention to how you were feeling. You know I’m not good at that”

He feels Fen’s grip tighten.

“I know,” comes the soft, tired reply. Mubo hesitantly combs his fingers through Fen’s soft hair. He feels the exhale of warm breath against his skin as Fen relaxes against him.

That’s how they fall asleep; crammed together on a tiny bunk bed. Mubo’s last thought is that he can’t help but feel content and he realizes he wants more of this. He wants to hold Qin Fen in his arms while they fall asleep together, feel the soft whisper of his breath.

After that, things seem to settle back to normal the next few days.

Fen changes his hair and Mubo isn’t sure he likes the orange. Mubo changes his hair to a deep purple that has Fen crinkling his nose and calling him an eggplant.

As he chases Fen, laughing, he decides he’s much happier not avoiding his friend.

They play silly games and vote for the most handsome trainee.

Qin Zimo spends an entire week telling the story of how he accidentally picked himself until Zuo Ye tells him to please shut up.

They tease Zuo Ye about not picking Cai Xukun.

Mubo feels a little uneasy that so many picked Qin Fen. He understands why, and he would have too if he weren’t afraid of giving away his feelings, but still, it bothers him.

“I’m actually very curious if anyone will pick me,” Mubo muses to the staff. Mostly he wonders if Qin Fen will pick him, but he can’t say that on camera.

“None,” the director says. Han Mubo makes a face for the camera and pretends to storm off.

In the end, Mubo plays it safe and picks Lin Yanjun.

He hears about Ying Zhiyue’s comment about wanting to kiss Qin Fen and silently agrees. He had always suspected the younger rapper has a crush on Qin Fen.

When he asks Qin Fen who he had picked, his labelmate turns strangely pink and says he picked four because he couldn’t make up his mind.

They have them pick the trainee they would most want to introduce to their little sister.

Qin Fen admits to picking Fan Chengcheng and Han Mubo tells him about picking Lou Zibo.

Mubo is actually quite relieved that Qin Fen didn’t pick him. Even if Shengen’s comment about Fen having “boyfriend power” settles weird in his stomach.

However, Peiyao’s crack about Qin Fen not being reliable had Mubo laughing as Fen chased him through the courtyard, swatting at him.

The present grabbing game is harder than Mubo expected and he worries about Fen’s knees. Especially since halfway through, he sees Fen pause and rub at his knees with a grimace.

He’s so focused on worrying about Fen that he ends up not being able to grab any presents. He’s surprised when Zhang Yixuan hands him two.

“Are you okay?” he asks Fen once the cameras leave.

Qin Fen nods but there’s a tense set to the line of his mouth. Mubo ends up forcing Fen to sit down and put ice and heat packs on his knees.

They make them play a speed change dance game with the theme song and end up going out for hotpot.

The game lightens the mood; everyone laughs at Zhou Rui becoming audience member, Lou Zibo, Gan Jun and Zhang Xin dancing seductively against each other and Zhang Yixuan’s and Xu Kaihao’s facial expressions.

It’s absolute chaos.

“The broadness of our shoulders has already replaced your guys’ height,” Qin Fen teasingly challenges their opponents. Han Mubo shakes his head.

Lin Chaoze drops into the splits followed by Deng Langyi. It’s not long before Zihao joins them.

When Qin Fen scoops You Zhangjing up princess-carry, the entire room goes wild. Han Mubo decides more Fen Fanboys are created right then and there. He can see Zheng Ruibin staring at him in awe.

He ignores what the casual display of strength does to him while simultaneously worrying about the strain Fen is unnecessarily putting on his knees.

Jeffrey sends him a knowing look.

“What’s the highest speed you can dance?” Cheng Xiao asks their group.

“800 times!” Qin Fen fires back.

“800 times,” everyone laughs. Qin Fen bows before swinging his arms and ending in a heart as the room descended into hysterics. Han Mubo stares helplessly at Qin Fen, who has a charisma that Mubo could only dream of.

The theme song starts playing and Han Mubo focuses on the dance. It’s going fairly well until the song speeds up.

Han Mubo is the first to get lost.

He tries his best but when everyone is laughing Qin Fen’s name, he glances over to where the other trainee is slumping over.

Worry shoots through Han Mubo, who loses where he’s at and just does the end of the song. Qin Fen walks over to him, but it’s clear that he’s favoring one leg. Mubo freezes as Qin Fen throws his arms around Mubo’s shoulders.

The heaviness of Fen’s frame against his makes Mubo realize he’s using Mubo as a crutch. Han Mubo gives him a chiding stare and he knows that Fen knows he’s going to lecture him later.

“Being young is just better,” Qin Fen says, pretending to be winded.

He knows Qin Fen is being overly dramatic about his age to hide the fact that his knees are damaged and brings his arm up, allowing Qin Fen to lean against him.

“You need to be more careful,” Han Mubo says quietly as a Latin dance battle begins and he knows he can’t be heard. “Picking up Zhangjing was unnecessarily careless”

“I know,” Qin Fen says, looking over at him. He smiles and Han Mubo again forgets to breathe. “Thanks for worrying about me”

“I wouldn’t have to if you would take care of yourself,” Mubo fires back, hopelessly fond. Fen quickly squeezes his hand before they go back to their seats.

Han Mubo beats out Shengen for the seat next to Qin Fen on the bus to HaiDiLao and feels a brief moment of triumph that is quashed when they actually arrive.

Qin Fen flits from table to table, group to group, clad in an apron and with a stupid hair net over his hair. Mubo watches in between bites of food unsure whether the jealousy is at how easily Fen makes friends or the fact that Fen so easily leaves him behind. Again.

“Bo-ge, you should tell him how you feel”

Mubo glances at Jing Peiyao. The second youngest member is watching him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about”

Peiyao doesn’t look convinced. He exchanges a glance with Zuo Ye, who shrugs. Qin Zimo is too busy shouting with the table next to them.

It’s not brought up again, but Peiyao shoots him a look when Fen settles comfortably next to Mubo on the bus back to the dorms.

Then the first ranking announcement happens.


	6. don’t let me go

They’re nervous. All of them. He’s pretty sure Jing Peiyao didn’t sleep the night before. Han Mubo definitely didn’t.

Qin Fen is the only one above the safety line, and even then, at 59 his position is precarious.

Jeffery ends up sitting next to Qin Fen. Han Mubo can feel the warmth of his newly discovered crush radiating over to him and the sleepless night catches up to him as he feels himself begin to doze off.

“I want to enter the top 9,” he vaguely hears Qin Fen say, patting Jeffrey’s leg, “but right now I am rank 59. But that’s only over two days”

“You can do it, Fen-ge,” Jeffrey says in his soft voice.

“The atmosphere has started to thicken,” Qin Fen muses to Han Mubo, waking him up. There’s a tone of nervous amusement in his voice, “a sudden chill has arrived”

Han Mubo knows that when Qin Fen gets nervous he tries to hide it behind chatter.

Zhang Yixing enters and the tense atmosphere relaxes slightly as they tease Cai Xukun about Zhang PD’s lipstick.

The tension settles again, followed by an aura of sadness as Zhang PD asks about visiting home.

“I also haven’t been home in a long time,” Qin Fen says softly.

Han Mubo glances at him. He knows that Qin Fen’s relationship with his family had been rocky in the beginning. They had disapproved of his dream to become an idol. Eventually they had repaired the relationship, but Mubo got the feeling that Fen wasn’t completely over the rift.

The evaluation begins and Han Mubo forgets to breathe.

Jeffrey ends up clinging to Qin Fen like a limpet. Ever affectionate Qin Fen leans into Jeffrey’s clinging.

Xu Shengen’s name is called and Qin Fen jumps to his feet to cheer. Han Mubo does the same. Despite Shengen trailing Qin Fen, he doesn’t think the young rapper actually feels anything more than brotherly towards him and Mubo is genuinely glad the young rapper made it through.

“Go home?” Qin Fen challenges as he and Jeffrey hug Shengen tightly, “go home where?”

At rank 45, he finally hears OACA. There’s enough teasing from Zhang PD that Han Mubo feels like he’s been on a roller coaster.

“Congratulations to...OACA”

Han Mubo dramatically slides off the chair onto his knees, feeling Fen’s hand wrap briefly around his own before settling on his thigh. It sends sparks up Mubo’s spine and he wishes it had lasted longer but Jing Peiyao’s name is called and they get up to congratulate the younger member.

Mubo feels like a proud parent and as he exchanges a glance with Qin Fen, he knows Fen feels the same.

OACA is called again for rank 41 and Mubo feels himself melt as Fen stops Zuo Ye from picking at his thumbnails. The youngest looks like he doesn’t know whether he’s going to cry, pass out, throw up or all three. The two Qins are each holding one of his hands.

“Through working hard in F class he got to go into the stage of the theme song...”

Han Mubo knows it’s Qin Zimo. No way Fen’s rank would be this low. Not possible.

“Is it me?” Qin Fen jokes to try to ease the tension, “me, let me go up”

“He is Qin-”

Mubo leans over to congratulate Qin Zimo as Qin Fen sinks low with a nervous laugh.

“Qin Zimo”

They embrace their resident annoyance, who looks like he’s about to cry. Again, Mubo feels like a proud parent. Zuo Ye still looks dazed.

“I was just thinking earlier,” Mubo says, “that for sure it would be OACA and indeed...” Fen nods.

The announcement continues with everyone getting more and more nervous as the numbers climb.

Zuo Ye looks increasingly unwell as the names get called but his doesn’t. Han Mubo reaches out and gently squeezes Zuo Ye’s hand.

“The first trainee to surpass one million votes...he’s from OACA”

Qin Fen and Han Mubo both get to their feet to clap, but Zuo Ye remains sitting, staring blankly at the pyramid.

“Zuo Ye,” he looks at Qin Fen in a daze. “It should be you”

“He’s OACA’s...the one who didn’t stand up, Zuo Ye”

The proud parent feeling washes through Han Mubo again as they embrace the youngest and send him up.

Zuo Ye goes up and Han Mubo feels Qin Fen’s hand on his knee briefly as they sit back down. All of their kids made it in. He knows Qin Fen will make it. The only unknown is him.

Now the worry for himself begins to settle into his chest. He feels Fen’s hand on his knee again, squeezing in comfort. Mubo squeezes his hand before they both let go.

Jeffrey begins visibly jittering next to Qin Fen.

Zhang PD calls out OACA.

“It should be me,” Qin Fen says. Han Mubo shakes his head, Fen’s rank should be higher.

“I think it’s me”

“Should be me,” Qin Fen insists, gaze earnest.

“No, no,” Jeffrey says, anxiously grabbing Fen’s hand. “Hard to say”

Han Mubo holds his breath, hands clasped in front of him like a prayer.

“Congratulations, Han Mubo”

Mubo exhales the breath he’s been holding as Qin Fen embraces him.

“I will go up right away,” Fen assures him. Mubo feels elated. All of OACA made it.

“I see Leilei going up and feel like I’m sending a son,” he sees Qin Fen murmur to Jeffrey as they sit back down.

“Then what will you be sending when sending me up?” Jeffrey asks.

“Sending a daughter”

Mubo stifles his laughter. Sure enough, he and Fen seem to have five kids.

Everyone is getting more nervous. The tension is rising. He can see Fen getting more and more nervous; hand pressing against his mouth in a nervous tick.

“He is also very special. He...is really very hardworking...” Han Mubo exhales his breath and can’t fight the smile as Qin Fen stands up, looking relieved. “Congratulations OACA Qin Fen”

Fen joins him in the row and he feels elated. All of OACA made it.

Jeffrey looks even more anxious now that he’s sitting alone, but not for long. His name is called next and really, Mubo couldn’t be happier. 

All his important people made it through to the next round.

He can relax and focus on the rankings.

The Yuehua line is in turmoil. Li Quanzhe is visibly stressed. 

Han Mubo has never been good with words, but as he gives his final speech and sees the expressions on everyone’s faces; sad, comforted, content, he feels like he says something right.

The mic passes to Qin Fen.

“First of all, I’d like to thank all the citizen producers who voted for me. Thank you. And currently the person I want to thank the most is Han Mubo”

Mubo freezes at his name and nervously scratches his nose. His heart is racing.

“Actually, I already left the stage for 1 and half to 2 years. Han Mubo convinced me...Han Mubo told me to enter this competition...” he can hear Fen’s voice break and he finds himself fighting back tears, “Can’t Stop, Group B. That performance, I didn’t sleep well those nights because I was so excited. This is my return to the stage after I left the stage for two years. Actually, I really want to return to the stage. Those two years, everyday, everyday I was thinking about my prior performances on stage...” the pause is long and through his damp eyes, he can see so many other trainees crying, moved by Fen’s speech, “I think my heart only beats when I’m on stage. That is the fine when I’m not just walking around as an empty husk. Only then am I alive. I also really want to say to those possibly eliminated trainees, 100 people without someone, without anyone, this is not Idol Producer. So, everyone is the best, right?”

Fen’s emotional speech carried weight. Trainees who had previously been dry eyed are now sobbing openly.

As they walk to their seats, Han Mubo pulls Qin Fen into a tight embrace.

“Thank you,” Fen whispers. Mubo squeezes him tighter and wishes he didn’t have to let go.


	7. soft

The atmosphere after the eliminations is both relieved and more tense than ever. For a lot of trainees, the reality of the situation set in and for others they were left missing their brothers.

The remaining trainees end up being ushered into an auditorium for some kind of segment. Han Mubo sends a questioning glance at Qin Fen, who shrugs bemusedly as they settle into chairs.

The other trainees are guessing what they’re there for. In front of him he hears the Gramarie trainees talking about a movie before Xiao Gui begins chattering nonsense. The Yuehua trainees are punching and swatting at each other.

Zuo Ye and Qin Zimo begin to toss their bottles of Nongfu water in the air.

Huang Shuhao and Dong Yanlei are having an equally nonsensical interaction as Xiao Gui before Bu Fan interjects.

Eventually Qin Fen, Zuo Ye and Qin Zimo end up falling asleep on each other. Han Mubo takes the time to stare at Fen’s sleeping face. The makeup team did a good job; the red eyeshadow on his eyes almost matches his hair.

Mubo wants to reach out and trace the line of Fen’s jaw, the slope of his nose. He half-wishes Fen had fallen asleep on his shoulder.

He looks away when he realizes the cameras are panning out to everyone.

“What’s up maaaan!?”

Everyone, including Mubo, jumps at Jackson’s overly enthusiastic greeting. Qin Fen reaches out and instinctively grabs Mubo’s wrist briefly.

Jackson and MC Jin enter the room and everyone cheers before Jackson urges them to sit. His gaze lands on Qin Fen and he winks. Fen lets go of Mubo’s wrist.

Mubo decides all rappers seem to have the same type of energy. Almost chaotic and mildly ridiculous. It’s an energy Fen both does and doesn’t possess.

As he watches Jackson on the stage, as he watches Jackson speak, he recognizes a lot of Fen’s mannerisms.

Fen’s reaction to Jackson’s confession of wanting to film a romance with Nicki Minaj piques Mubo’s interest but his thoughts are pulled away when everyone cracks up about Fan Bingbing.

Filming ends and Jackson immediately finds Qin Fen, pulling him off to the side with an arm around his shoulder. Mubo glances over at them.

Jackson laughs something and Qin Fen snorts. “You look tired,” he brushes his fingers beneath Fen’s eyes causing a tightness to constrict Mubo’s chest, “you alright?”

“Yeah. It’s. It’s better than Korea at least,” Fen laughs. Jackson shakes his head and throws his arm around Fen’s shoulder.

The envious looks they get from the other trainees don’t go unnoticed.

“I wanna be friends with Jackson,” Mubo hears a younger trainee say and he shakes his head. “Fen-ge is so cool,” another one says.

Mubo meets Fen’s gaze. His friend sends him a smile. Jackson catches it and raises an eyebrow before saying something that causes Fen to sputter and punch the other man in the shoulder before leaving to meet up with Mubo and the kiddos. Jackson shoots a grin in Mubo’s direction causing the cellist to raise an eyebrow.

“What was that about?” Mubo tries to keep the question casual. Fen’s cheeks turn pink.

“Ah, nothing, just Jackson being Jackson”

Mubo eyes him, but lets it slide.

He misses the way Fen glances at him.

The walk back to the dorm is noisy and chaotic. The trainees still hyped from Jackson and MC Jin.

Justin and Fan Chengcheng are horsing around and suddenly Mubo finds himself with an armful of Fen.

Qin Fen blinks up at him in confusion.

“Apologize!” Zhu Zhengting’s voice says sharply.

“Sorry Fen-ge, Mubo-ge,” Chengcheng and Justin chorus.

“It’s fine,” Qin Fen says, righting himself. Mubo instinctively reaches out to fix Fen’s hair, the other trainee obediently letting him.

Jeffrey smiles his sweet little doe-eyed smile at them. Yanlei grins.

“I love it when mom and dad are all domestic,” Yanlei says to Jeffrey, who nods.

Mubo rolls his eyes but turns to hide the smile threatening to creep up his face as he continues towards the dorms.

They have another mission coming up the next day and Mubo can’t help but wonder what it is this time.

He understands it’s a competition and he knows he needs to make it to the end, but despite his competitive personality he’s never enjoyed watching the people he’s grown to care about get eliminated either.

It’s what had been hardest about X-Fire. Although back then, he had been less mature and more competitive. He had clashed with the Jiachengs over it at first.

As Zhang Yixing tells them the rules for the next mission, Mubo can’t help but feel nervous.

He knows that he and Fen won’t pick the same song. Fen is a rapper and he is a vocalist.

He sees Papillon and he knows Fen won’t pick Jackson’s song even if he says he wants to. He thinks Fen will pick Very Good, but he’s not sure. He glances over at his friend to see Mu Ziyang clinging to Fen from behind. He’s always amazed at how many friends Fen has, even though he knows he shouldn’t be.

Yue Yue glances over at him and gently pats his shoulder. Mubo blinks at the other trainee in mild confusion.

He watches as Fen says something to Peiyao, who looks relieved and nods before Fen leaves to pick his song.

Dong Yanlei goes before Han Mubo and a commotion arises from the back as Mubo selects his own song.

He goes to the back of the studio, curious about what he’s going to see.

Fen is standing beneath Turn Down For What along with Dong Yanlei. He gives Mubo a helpless look. Mubo closes his eyes, hand twitching by his side against the urge of covering his mouth.

Oh no.

Then Li Rang goes over. That’s not a bad choice. Li Rang is a decent rapper if a little inexperienced.

Finally, Jing Peiyao enters. Mubo watches helplessly as Fen dramatically collapses to the ground. The other rappers go wild, shouting Fen’s name.

They break apart to select leaders and centers. He glances at Qin Fen’s group. The oldest has a complicated expression on his face and Mubo exhales.

Han Mubo quite likes his own group. They’re all very talented vocalists and fairly mild-mannered people. Despite all wanting to be the center, it was very amicable even if Mubo was disappointed that he wasn’t able to be center, but he knows You Zhangjing is a good choice.

He remembers his time on X-Fire and how he had clashed with teammates quite a bit, but this group is comfortable and the atmosphere isn’t tense or hostile. Even when Li Quanzhe struggles, the others are patient. When Mubo blurts out something lacking in sensitivity nobody gets mad or upset.

They get done practicing late and Mubo returns to the dorms. He feels quite content, especially with how his group has managed to get through the song.

Jing Peiyao is asleep. Zuo Ye he knows is still practicing under the strict watch of Lin Chaoze because he had passed by their room when he was on his way back. The light in the bathroom is on, so he suspects Fen is in there.

He’s finished getting ready for bed but still needs to brush his teeth and wash his face. Qin Fen is still in the bathroom and Mubo worries a bit. Fen doesn’t usually take too long to get ready for bed.

“Lao Qin?”

He hears a muffled “come in” and worry shoots through him.

Mubo pushes open the door to the bathroom. Fen is sitting with his back against the wall, head in his hands. Mubo quietly goes to join him, sitting next to him close enough that their shoulders are touching.

He doesn’t say anything. He knows Fen will speak when he’s ready.

“Yanlei, Peiyao and Rang,” Fen finally sighs. “I don’t know how I’m going to do this”

“Li Rang is a perfectly serviceable rapper, isn’t he?” Mubo responds.

Fen sighs. “Dong. Yan. Lei”

Mubo has never been good about comforting people. He tries.

“Well. You’re the most skilled. Which means you’ll probably get the fifty-thousand extra votes”

Qin Fen raises his brows and a small smile curves his lips.

“Lao Han, that’s very cutthroat of you”

Han Mubo feels a flush creep up his neck and he’s about to say something to justify it when Fen bumps him with his shoulder.

“Thank you,” he says quietly, resting his head on Mubo’s shoulder.

They sit like that for a while until Fen shifts. “I’m too old to be sitting on the ground like this,” he whines. Mubo bops him over the head.

“You’re so dramatic Lao Qin,” he murmurs as they stand up.

“You still love me,” Qin Fen responds.

Fortunately he doesn’t see the way Mubo stumbles over his own feet in shock at Fen’s words.

Does Qin Fen know?


	8. and softer

The next few days, Han Mubo focuses all his attention on practicing for What I Miss to try and keep his thoughts at bay. He’s able to pour all of his feelings into the cello piece which he practices for hours on end.

He knows Qin Fen has been getting progressively more stressed with the state of his group. He and Jing Peiyao don’t return to the dorms until late.

They’ve had a few more quiet huddles on the bathroom floor. Qin Fen spilling all his stress out to Mubo who just quietly listens. Fen always seems calmer afterwards which Han Mubo counts as a victory even if he feels pretty useless when it comes to comforting and reassuring him.

It’s another such bathroom huddle the night before dress rehearsals.

Qin Fen looks more tired than usual and it worries Mubo. He makes a decision and grabs both his coat and Fen’s coat.

“Come on,” he tosses the coat at Fen.

“Eh?” Fen looks up surprised.

“Come with me,” Mubo says, coat already on, “we’re going somewhere”

Qin Fen looks bemused, but obediently follows Mubo out into the cold winter night.

“You’re not going to tell me where we’re going?” Fen jobs to catch up with him.

“You’ll figure it out soon enough”

Sure enough, Mubo is pushing open the door to the convenience store

“Get whatever you want,” Mubo says, gesturing.

Fen studies him for a brief moment and Mubo flushes. 

“How generous Lao Han,” Qin Fen teases, but the line between his brows has already smoothed out and Mubo feels relieved.

Loaded up with snacks, they leave the convenience store.

“Follow me,” Mubo says, leading Fen across the courtyard. Fen follows, chewing on a candy.

A couple weeks ago, Han Mubo had discovered how to get to the roof of the practice building. The door doesn’t latch very well and with a well-placed jiggle, it pops open.

“Lao Han!” Qin Fen looks mock-scandalized, “I’ve never seen this rebellious side to you”

“Don’t get used to it,” Mubo fires back as he closes the door behind them.

Fen wanders to the edge of the roof and peers down. Mubo joins him.

The Dachang campus looks beautiful at night; the lights glittering golden. The sky in Dachang is a little less smoggy. A few lights in various practice rooms are still on and the silhouettes of trainees practicing late can be seen.

Fen’s breath curls in the air.

“It’s beautiful,” he says softly. Mubo glances at his friend and feels his heart thump in his chest at the soft expression on Fen’s face and the way the shadows hit.

Up here it feels like they’re the only two people in the entire world.

They end up sitting on some kind of metal box near the edge, maybe an air conditioning unit, and open some of their snacks.

“You might like these,” Mubo crinkles his nose at the chips he’s eating. Fen looks mock-offended.

“Are you saying my taste in snacks is gross?”

Mubo gestures to the chewy coconut candy Fen is holding.

“Yes”

“I’ll have you know,” Fen waves the candy in front of Mubo’s face, “it’s perfectly delicious”

Mubo briefly wonders if he were to kiss Fen right now would the latter taste like coconut?

To quash that train of thought, he holds out a chip. Fen raises an eyebrow before leaning forward and eating it right out of his hand.

Fen’s soft lips brush Mubo’s fingertips and Mubo knows his ears are turning red.

“So?” he asks, trying to keep his voice calm.

“Mm. They’re okay,” Fen’s dark eyes glitter, “I felt like candy more”

Mubo shakes his head. Fen holds out a coconut candy, Mubo quickly pushes it away with a grimace that sends Fen into hysterical laughter. Mubo smiles in relief that Fen seems to be more relaxed.

Suddenly Fen shifts, nestling close with a quiet complaint about being cold. Mubo pulls Fen’s hood up around his face.

They sit and talk about everything. Mubo telling Fen stories about how Chen Linong has decided to help You Zhangjing with his diet and how Zhangjing rebels by hiding junk food.

Fen tells him about Jing Peiyao’s first time trying to rap and how Li Rang got his head stuck in a dryer before practice which meant Fen had to help get him out.

Mubo watches Fen laugh so hard he nearly falls over and he can’t help his own laughter.

Eventually the cold gets to them both and they pack up their snacks and head into the warmer interior of the building.

“Thank you, Lao Han,” Fen says quietly when they reach their dorm, “I feel a lot better”

Mubo smiles at him as they slip inside quietly, making sure not to wake the younger two, and get ready for bed.

He feels like he’s made some kind of progress in some direction even if he doesn’t know what direction he’s going in or why.


	9. it’s love

Qin Fen is unable to tear his gaze away from the screen.

Away from Han Mubo.

From the first moments the cello notes danced through the stage, he had been captivated. He had heard Mubo play his cello before, many times, but there was something different about seeing him get so lost in such a sad, beautiful melody on a stage.

There is something in Mubo’s expression as he sings, something soft and longing and so very real and Qin Fen is struck with the sudden realization that Han Mubo is in love with someone.

He remembers the night before the dress rehearsal and Mubo had dragged him to the convenience store and bought him snacks and took him to the roof of the practice buildings.

Mubo had been so thoughtful and, dare he say, romantic. The way Mubo had seen that Fen was feeling down and had done what he could to cheer him up had only made Fen fall harder.

Now, the realization that Mubo is in love sinks like a stone in Fen’s stomach and makes his eyes sting with tears.

It’s like his whole world has been flipped on it’s axis and he feels like he’s adrift in the sea without a life preserver.

Who could it be? It has to be a trainee. Or maybe a staff? But all the staff geges and jiejies are much older...

His chest is tight and he finds it difficult to breathe.

“It’s beautiful, huh Fen-ge?” Dong Yanlei pats his shoulder.

Qin Fen swallows. “Y-yeah, it is,” he blinks away the tears. His team is up next and he can’t afford to let this shake him. His team is already shaky as it is.

_He remembers the day after the evaluation from the rap mentors. Jackson had tracked him down afterwards._

_“How are you holding up?” Jackson tilts his head._

_Qin Fen gives him a pained look and Jackson laughs, pulling Fen into a hug._

_“It’s not easy,” Fen laments, pressing his forehead against Jackson’s shoulder, “Li Rang is the only one who can actually get it. There’s four of us, but two are like this. The past several days have been about helping Leilei and Peiyao and-“ Fen huffs a sigh, “and I’m pretty sure Lao Han is tired of listening to me whine about this”_

_“You can come whine to me then,” Jackson runs his hand through the orange hair, “Fen-hyung, you’re a good leader. You’re committed and responsible and-“_

_“A babysitter”_

_Jackson huffs out a laugh._

_“That too”_

_“I’m worried about this. I’m really, really worried. Yanlei really can’t follow a beat. Peiyao doesn’t have the explosive power that he needs...he’s too shy. Rang at least knows what he’s doing...” Fen huffs, “I don’t care about getting first, I don’t care about the 50,000 votes or 100,000 votes, I don’t care that they’re my competitors...they’re my little brothers first and I want them to do well”_

_Jackson runs his hand through Fen’s hair again. He knows it’s very dry. He cups Fen’s cheeks and tilts his head up._

_“It’ll be fine. You’ll be fine”_

_“I was even helping him with the beat, Jiaer!” Fen exhales, “he still messed up! I feel bad that I’m getting annoyed at them, they don’t deserve that and I know they’re trying their best but...”_

_Jackson pulls Fen into a hug. It’s nice, but Fen can’t help but wish it was someone else hugging him._

“How did you all understand this song?” Zhang Yixing asks, tugging Fen out of his thoughts, “did you think of anyone?”

Qin Fen holds his breath as something flashes across Mubo’s eyes briefly.

“Mubo, when you played the cello what were you thinking of?” Fen feels disappointed that he wasn’t asked who he was thinking of. Fen knows that when Han Mubo plays the cello he imagines an empty room with old photographs. Mubo has described it to him several times and Qin Fen once tried to draw it even if his artistic skills are a bit lacking.

Han Mubo had laughed at it when he had seen it.

He catches Mubo in the hallway while they are passing.

“Lao Qin?”

Fen wraps his arms around Mubo in a tight hug before dashing off after the rest of his group. He’ll deal with his feelings later.

After the stage.


	10. all we’re looking for is love

Han Mubo is still baffled by the sudden hug from Qin Fen, who looks a bit like he’s been crying. He decides he’ll ask his labelmate later as he settles in to watch the performance.

The performance is...interesting.

Qin Fen performs to his usual level. It’s like his whole demeanor changes and he becomes a different person. His charisma really comes out as a rapper. His energy is infectious and the thing he does with his tongue has Mubo shifting in his seat. Mubo is uncomfortably reminded very much of Jackson; the way he moves, his facial expressions, the way he interacts with the others on the stage, and he again wonders if it’s a Korea thing or a them thing.

He tries not to dwell on it.

He’s pleasantly surprised by Peiyao’s transformation from folk song vocal to rapper. He definitely picked up some of Qin Fen’s mannerisms though. At least he manages to keep his tongue in his mouth. Mubo doesn’t think he’d be okay with one of his children doing that.

Dong Yanlei puts in a very good effort, but at one point in the song he nearly smacks Jing Peiyao in the face and then stumbles around the stage like he’s leaving a bar at 3am. Han Mubo resists the urge to bury his face in his hands.

He knows Fen has had a difficult time with his group. Between Jing Peiyao’s innate shyness and Dong Yanlei’s...Dong Yanlei-ness, Qin Fen has been stressed out.

He had confided in Mubo during the late nights sitting on the bathroom floor so Jing Peiyao didn’t overhear.

He had to take responsibility for three younger trainees, two of which had no experience rapping and one of those two had zero dance foundation on top of that.

They leave the stage and Mubo is anxious to know what the score looks like.

He doesn’t have any doubts Fen placed first, but he is worried about Peiyao.

He goes searching for Qin Fen, finding the elder comforting his group. Fen meets his gaze over Li Rang’s shoulder. Once it seems like the younger kids are a little bit perkier, Fen leaves them. 

He meets up with Mubo and sighs heavily, finally able to let go now that he no longer needed to be confident and comfort the younger trainees.

“First,” Han Mubo says with confidence. Qin Fen laughs and nods. “And Lei-zi?”

“Third,” Fen runs his hand through his hair.

That surprises Mubo. “Who was last?” he hopes it wasn’t Peiyao.

“Rang-di”

“Lei-zi’s dance was...something”

“I said his dance rhythm had to be bigger than mine,” Qin Fen buries his face in his hands, “not that he needs to look like a drunk”

Mubo rests his hand against Fen’s back, rubbing soothing circles.

“It was...it was pretty bad”

Fen whines and leans into Mubo’s touch. Mubo tries not to think about what that does to his heart.

“He’s a hard worker,” Qin Fen says softly. “He has potential”

They make their way back in order to watch the Sheep performance and Han Mubo feels a bit disappointed at the way they separate.

Zuo Ye lifts up his shirt and smirks at the crowd.

“Noo!” Qin Fen’s shriek has everyone in hysterics. “Who allowed Zuo Ye to do that!?” he looks at Han Mubo with a scandalized expression on his face. “Lao Han! Someone corrupted our baby!”

Mubo shakes his head, smiling as the dance continues.

“Whoa, Zuo Ye, yeah!” he laughs, proud of the youngest. A few minutes later, Zhu Zhengting also lifts up his shirt and he feels Qin Fen shake his head.

“Lao Qin,” Mubo leans in, “our children have to grow up at some point”

He tries to ignore the urge to kiss the pout off of Qin Fen’s mouth.

“Stop being an old married couple!” someone, probably Justin shouts. “It’s gross!” Mubo flushes, uncomfortable with such a blatant call out, but Qin Fen twines their fingers together and teasingly rests his head on Mubo’s shoulder as Justin wails at them before being shushed by Bi Wenjun.

“I think it’s cute,” Jeffrey says softly, wide and doe-eyed. A couple other trainees, including Qin Zimo and Jing Peiyao, nod their heads in agreement.

Mubo feels Fen squeeze his fingers tightly and he can’t help but squeeze back.

The other performances are good. Mubo claps along.

But it’s Stomach that has his eyes glued to the screen.

Another romantic song. Qin Fen is slowly moving his head to the song. Han Mubo decides Zhou Rui is ridiculously pretty.

Mubo freezes slightly as Fen gently reaches out and entwines their fingers almost absentmindedly, like it’s a common occurrence.

Mubo can see they’re not the only ones affected by the song.

Zhu Zhengting has his head resting on Bi Wenjun’s shoulder. Bu Fan is leaning forward, chin resting on Yue Yue’s shoulder. Ding Zeren is wrapped around Zhou Yanchen’s arm. Justin is sitting on Fan Chengcheng’s lap with the latter’s arms wrapped around his waist.

The song ends but none of them seem to pull away for awhile.

When Fen finally does let his hand go, Mubo misses the warmth.

It’s late by the time all the performances end and the ranking announcements begin.

Qin Fen got first place in his group which meant he got the extra 50,000 votes. Han Mubo is relieved. He’s also stunned by the two-hundred and forty-eight votes his friend got.

He glances at his friend. Qin Fen is leaning heavily on his left leg and Han Mubo knows his knee is bothering him.

Mubo knows his third place wouldn’t be anywhere near that number, but one-hundred seventy six isn’t terrible.

The trainees break to comfort and congratulate each other.

Qin Fen ends up being distracted by Dong Yanlei, who is chattering something to him.

Mubo can tell Fen needs to sit down so he walks over.

“Lei-zi,” Mubo says, “I think Luo Zheng was looking for you”

“Really?” Yanlei looks surprised. He glances over to where Luo Zheng is sitting. Luo Zheng glances away from his staring at Yanlei.

“You should go congratulate him,” Mubo tells him, “he did pretty well”

Dong Yanlei grins in Luo Zheng’s direction. The younger trainee had glanced back over in their direction and looks vaguely panicked as Yanlei begins to walk over.

“That was mean, Lao Han,” Qin Fen laughs, but the relief on his face says otherwise. “Thank you”

Han Mubo shrugs. “Come on, let’s go back to the dorms. You need to be more careful with your knee”

Qin Fen smiles up at him. “I have you looking out for me though!” he says sweetly. Mubo flushes red and looks away.

“Come on”

Once they leave the building and get away from the other trainees, Fen wraps his arm around Mubo’s shoulder and lets himself lean against him.

The cold night air causes Mubo to shiver as his ears get cold. Fen furrows his brows and tugs the hood of Mubo’s jacket up.

“You hate it when your ears get cold,” Fen hums, nestling closer.

Mubo’s ears are definitely no longer cold.

They reach the dorm and Qin Fen drops heavily into the chair as he undresses and changes into his pajamas. 

Han Mubo keeps a careful eye on Fen as the latter removes his makeup and finishes getting ready for bed.

He watches from his own bed as Fen dry-swallows some kind of pain killer and grimaces before laying down.

The next few minutes Mubo can hear Fen shifting in his bed, clearly unable to get comfortable.

Fen shifts in his bed for the fifth time in ten minutes. Mubo sighs to himself before getting out of his own bed and padding over to Fen’s.

Qin Fen looks up at him, dark eyes quizzical in the moonlight.

“Scoot over,” Mubo says, sliding into the bed next to Fen. Fen obeys, looking relieved. Mubo tugs away the sweater Fen has sandwiched between his knees as a cushion and Fen traps Mubo’s leg between his instead, snuggling against him.

Han Mubo is somewhat used to being used as Qin Fen’s personal body pillow when his knee is really bothering him. It’s not the first time it’s happened, but it is the first time since Mubo realized his feelings for the other trainee.

“Thank you,” Fen says softly. Mubo snorts quietly.

“You’re getting old, Lao Qin,” he teases. He knows the injury is something Qin Fen doesn’t really like to talk about. He’ll joke about getting old until the joke is about as dead as the one about his name.

“We’re the same age, Lao Han,” Fen replies, nestling his head underneath Mubo’s chin, his soft breaths fan out across Mubo’s skin causing goosebumps to prick along his spine.

“Go to sleep,” Mubo replies, wrapping his arm around Fen’s shoulder. It doesn’t take long for Fen’s breathing to even out. The steady pulse of Fen’s heartbeat and the warmth of his body lull Mubo into sleep as well.


	11. but love hurts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a long one...  
> also idk why i like picking on luo zheng. he’s one of my favs someone pls save him

Everything goes wrong the day after the next mission announcement.

Han Mubo ends up in I Will Always Remember. Qin Fen ends up in Firewalking.

The trainees are given a rare day to rest and some have gathered in one of the practice rooms to play silly games.

Fen is wearing makeup that makes him look even more beautiful and Mubo has nearly walked into two walls and managed to step on Luo Zheng’s toes in his distraction.

Several of the other trainees are sending him amused and sympathetic glances and Mubo feels his cheeks beginning to burn red.

It’s one thing for the trainees to laugh at their perceived couple-ness, but for them to actually figure out that Mubo is stupidly head over heels for Fen is quite another.

He doubts they’d be nearly as accepting.

He still remembers a kid from his middle school. A nice, quiet kid that Mubo had quite liked and had often studied with and ate lunch with. He played the piano and they often came up with silly duets together. They’d only known each other for a month or so.

Mubo vividly remembers the random spring day he was caught in the music room by a trio of, he wouldn’t have necessarily called them bullies, but they weren’t the nicest kids in school.

_“You know he kisses guys right?” the tallest sneers._

_“What?” Mubo blinks in confusion, pausing in putting his music score away, “who?”_

_The smallest points to Mubo’s friend, still sitting at the piano._

_“Yeah, Hanhan said he told him that he liked him liked him”_

_Mubo turns to his friend in confusion. He had never met anybody who was gay._

_“Is it true?” Mubo asks, more out of curiosity than anything else. It didn’t actually bother him much._

_The silence is all the answer he needs and his eyes widen._

_“See, I told you Bobo didn’t know!” the shortest one laughs, “Bobo isn’t a freak like that”_

_A freak._

_“I’m not,” Mubo defends himself._

_“You might wanna stop hanging out with him then,” the tallest pats Mubo roughly on the shoulder, “you wouldn’t want people thinking you’re like that too”_

That had been the last time he had spoken to his friend. The other boy had transferred schools shortly after word got out that he had kissed the most popular boy in school.

Mubo feels slightly guilty now that he’s older, maybe he could’ve stood up for the kid or something.

But Han Mubo was already awkward enough without drawing unnecessary attention to himself.

Qin Fen moves to throw his arm around Mubo’s shoulders.

In a brief moment of panic, Mubo backs up. He doesn’t miss the flash of hurt that is clear on Fen’s handsome face and he knows he fucked up.

The surrounding trainees look nervous, several giggling awkwardly as if the whole thing was just a joke.

“Lao Han doesn’t love me anymore!” Qin Fen wails dramatically, flinging his arms around Zheng Ruibin. The younger trainee sympathetically pats Fen on the back.

The other trainees seem to take that to mean what transpired was a joke, but Mubo still receives several odd, curious looks.

Qin Fen doesn’t look in his direction again.

They’re back in their dorm when Fen turns to look at him, the hurt shining clearly in his eyes.

“Why?” Fen asks, and god he’s so pretty that Mubo can’t think.

He can’t tell Fen that he panicked because he’s stupidly, madly in love with him. He can’t tell Fen that even just being near him is detrimental to Mubo’s heart. He can’t tell Fen that he’s absolutely terrified that everyone will figure out how he feels and everything will change.

So Han Mubo just shrugs.

“I think we should be careful about how close we get to each other,” Mubo runs his hand through his hair. It’s the best he can come up with to explain why he pulled away, why he won’t reciprocate Fen’s physical affection.

Although it was probably one of the worst things he could say because the hurt is plain on Fen’s face and Mubo swears he can physically see Fen building a wall around himself.

“Fine,” Fen holds his hands up, “if that’s what you want,” the rapper pushes past Han Mubo and disappears from the dorm.

It hurts. It hurts so much.

But maybe it’s for the best.

Han Mubo wonders how long he can get away with lying to himself like that.

Things don’t improve over the next few days. The relationship between Han Mubo and Qin Fen becoming cool and somewhat distant.

The worst part about the whole situation is that it seemed like everyone knew.

Maybe they didn’t necessarily know why, but even Luo Zheng, who everyone knew was probably one of the denser trainees, had picked up on the obvious tension between the two remaining OACA members.

The parents of Idol Producer are avoiding each other.

Qin Fen has apparently been approached by everyone from Dong Yanlei, who’s straightforward to the point of tactless questioning had Fen fleeing the practice room, to the quieter nudging of Zheng Ruibin.

It seemed like Xiao Gui was going to bring it up, but a sharp look from Zhu Xingjie had him closing his mouth.

Han Mubo has been left more or less alone. Jeffrey had asked him about it, but other than that the trainees hadn’t approached him.

He suspects Zhou Rui is going to though, based on the looks the smaller trainee sends him.

But it makes him aware of a distinctly Fen-shaped hole in his life. He finds himself missing the small things: the secret smile Fen would send his way when they shared an inside joke, the way Fen would playfully steal Mubo’s vegetables and replace them with extra pieces of meat or bring an extra vitamin water for Mubo during practice. He misses the easy manner Fen would touch him and the way he always made sure to include him in conversations and jokes with other trainees, even if Mubo was too awkward to join in himself.

It also puts all the younger trainees on edge; Han Mubo and Qin Fen had become the unofficial parents of all the trainees, even those like Zhengting, who parented trainees themselves. They would seek them out for advice and, Qin Fen in particular, was always sharing stories of his time with The Legend and answering questions about what it was like to be friends with Jackson Wang.

Han Mubo was approached by a handful of braver trainees who had seen him on X-Fire. He wouldn’t offer stories as freely as Fen, but if asked he would talk about his time on the show.

They complemented each other in a way that made it seem like they had known each other forever. Capricorn and Virgo. Two of the most compatible signs. They could tell what the other was thinking and their methods of caring for each other, and the younger trainees, were opposite but worked well.

Seeing such a compatible and seemingly stable pair abounding each other had the other trainees tiptoeing around them too.

The OACA baby line seems mostly exasperated by them. It got to the point where Jing Peiyao had once forcibly dragged Qin Fen over to the table where Han Mubo was sitting.

The ensuing awkward silence had Peiyao visibly regretting it.

Even Qin Zimo, who’s talent for ignoring the atmosphere is unparalleled, had given up trying to dispel the awkwardness.

It also seemed like the baby line was never far apart from either of them. One day it would be Jing Peiyao who would spend time with Han Mubo while Zuo Ye stuck to Qin Fen, then the next day they would rotate and it would be Zuo Ye sticking to Mubo and Qin Zimo sticking to Fen.

“It’s like watching my parents fight,” Han Mubo overhears Jeffrey whisper to Hu Zhibang, who blinks at him before nodding.

Jeffrey also seemed torn between them and eventually joined the baby line in whatever rotation schedule they had come up with.

It would be cute if the reason behind it didn’t poke at Mubo’s already shredded and aching heart every time he thought about it.

Han Mubo is sitting in the practice room for I Will Always Remember. He doesn’t want to go back to the dorms quite yet because he knows Fen is probably there.

Suddenly, there’s a soft tap on the door and it gets pushed open.

You Zhangjing creeps in and sits down next to him.

He’s been with Zhangjing for several performances now and feels like the Malaysian has become a good friend.

“So you wanna tell me what’s up with you and Qin Fen-ge?” Zhangjing tilts his head.

“Not really,” Mubo snorts. Zhangjing sighs.

“Did you guys fight?”

“Something like that”

Zhangjing eyes him before sighing again.

“Fine. Don’t talk about it,” he throws his hands up, “but everyone is worried about you two! You guys were so happy together and literally perfect-”

“We weren’t,” Han Mubo says sharply. Zhangjing blinks in confusion. “We weren’t together. Like. That”

Understanding dawns on Zhangjing’s face before giving way to sympathy.

“Why not?”

Mubo gives him an incredulous look.

“Because it’s...it’s weird”

Zhangjing raises an eyebrow.

“Mubo-ge, do you not see how many trainees are dating or otherwise into each other?”

Confusion must creep into Mubo’s face because Zhangjing huffs a sigh.

“Let me start with the most obvious and work my way down the list. Mu Ziyang and Ling Chao can’t be more than a few feet apart from each other otherwise one would probably die of loneliness or something, like one of those flying squirrel things,” Zhangjing holds up a finger, “then you’ve got the awkwardness that is Lu Dinghao and Huang Xinchun. If only Lu Dinghao would pull his dramatic head out of his even more dramatic ass and realize that Huang Xinchun giving him a minion keychain is the equivalent of a marriage proposal”

Disbelief courses through Han Mubo, but Zhangjing keeps talking.

“And lets not forget about the fact that Zhu Zhengting and Bi Wenjun have been dating since before the show,” another finger, “and then there’s Ding Zeren and Zhou Yanchen,” another finger, “and I’m pretty sure that Cai Xukun and Wang Ziyi have been dancing around each other for far too long. Then we’ve got Luo Zheng’s frankly embarrassing crush on Dong Yanlei, a crush I don’t think even Luo Zheng realizes he has,” he flails his arms, “and then there’s me and Lin Yanjun,” Mubo blinks in surprise at how open Zhangjing is about this. “Oh yeah, and didn’t Jeffrey act in some boys love drama back in Taiwan?”

“Well, yes, but that doesn’t mean-”

“No,” Zhangjing waves a hand, “of course not, but would he have agreed to act in it if it was something that made him uncomfortable?”

Han Mubo hesitates so Zhangjing barrels on.

“My point is, Mubo-ge, nobody here thinks it’s weird. Sure, maybe it’s not something you want broadcasted on cameras to the public and the Citizen Producers but, honestly, it would be the same way if you were interested in a girl,” Zhangjing shrugs, “that’s just how it is for idols”

Mubo stares at Zhangjing for a long moment before Zhangjing sighs.

“Honestly Mubo-ge? You and Fen-ge are like the couple that the others aspire to be. And you guys weren’t even an actual couple like we all thought! Which is why seeing you guys like this is sad. In Malaysia, being gay isn’t allowed at all. It’s illegal. So I was scared at first, about how I felt about Yanjun, but at some point I realized it didn’t matter. I couldn’t help how I felt about him”

Han Mubo looks away, glancing at his reflection in the mirror.

To Mubo’s surprise, it’s Yue Yue who approaches him next. The quiet trainee comes over to him in the cafeteria and sits next to him after Qin Fen mysteriously disappears upon Mubo’s arrival.

The Qin’s trainee, despite being younger than Mubo by a year, has always seemed to be the most mature of them all.

Maybe it was because he was most frequently seen with Bu Fan who was easily one of the most immature of them all.

The other trainee doesn’t say anything for a long while and Mubo begins to relax. He’s never really interacted with Yue Yue before.

“You know,” he finally says in his low, soft voice, “emotions aren’t something I like”

Han Mubo looks at him, confusion flickering through him.

“They don’t follow any sort of logic. They’re messy and unpredictable and not easy to figure out. I prefer math: numbers and symbols and equations. Those are reliable and not likely to let you down”

Mubo remains quiet. He can sort of understand what Yue Yue is talking about. Han Mubo doesn’t like emotions much either. He doesn’t like the uncertainty they give him.

“But I recently learned something,” Yue Yue pokes at a broccoli with his chopsticks before setting it aside, “as nice as it would be to avoid messy things like emotions, it’s impossible and in the end hurts worse than if you had just faced them head on”

Mubo studies Yue Yue’s profile. The blonde trainee is sorting through his food and separating pieces of meat and vegetables into two other piles as he eats.

“Just something to think about,” Yue Yue stands up and walks over to Ling Chao, dumping half of the sorted food onto his plate before crossing the room and giving the rest to Bu Fan.

Han Mubo glances at his own half-finished food and the pile of vegetables sitting in the corner, it sends a pang through his chest, and suddenly he’s not hungry but he is struck with a burning desire to see Qin Fen.

He resists. He’s worried about how Fen will react. Whether Fen will be mad at him or that Mubo will see the obvious hurt in his eyes or worse, Fen won’t care at all.

Mubo is passing by the Listen to What I Say practice room and can’t help but peek in.

He regrets it immediately.

Zheng Ruibin has his head in Qin Fen’s lap and Fen has his legs thrown over Cai Xukun’s as they laugh at Xiao Gui and Bu Fan shouting at each other with Xu Shengen bouncing around the room like he’s on crack. Fen looks carefree and happy and not at all like Mubo feels.

He turns away, the image of Fen absently combing his fingers through Ruibin’s hair burned into his brain.

He shouldn’t be surprised that Fen isn’t as upset as Mubo himself. Qin Fen has always been better adjusted when it came to handling emotions.

It’s late when Mubo bumps into Li Junyi. He’s become closer to the other trainee in the past few days. Maybe it’s because Junyi, in his own gentle way, senses that Mubo is distressed but doesn’t want to talk about it so he offers a silent support.

Now, the other trainee can clearly sense something is wrong because he gently rests his hand on Mubo’s shoulder.

They end up sitting on a bench outside the dorms. Mubo, much to his chagrin, had ended up spilling everything to Junyi, who listened patiently. He told him about his sudden realization of feelings, how he hadn’t even known he liked men, what You Zhangjing had said, and what Yue Yue had said and how much he regrets having said what he said.

The other trainee just had an aura about him that made it far too easy to talk to him and Han Mubo is so tired of holding everything in. His heart is bruised and battered and he wishes he could go back in time and stop his old self from saying those words and he just breaks.

“It’s silly isn’t it?” Mubo watches his breath curl in the air, “I let my doubts get the better of me and now I’ve lost him. If I even had him in the first place”

“It’s not silly at all,” Junyi says gently, “and Mubo-ge, you haven’t lost him. Yes, what you said hurt him, but it’s not something that is unforgivable. Fen-ge is understanding, you know this about him. And he’s hurting too”

“That’s not how I see it,” Mubo looks down at the ground. “He seems to be doing just fine”

“Have you asked him?”

“Well, no,” Mubo furrows his brows. Junyi gives him a look and Mubo sighs.

“Assuming things is how this happened in the first place,” Junyi says gently. “You and Fen-ge need to talk”

“Easier said than done,” Mubo sighs.

Junyi’s smile is patient.

“I think you’ll find it easier than you think”


	12. slowly wait, slowly wait

Qin Fen has been avoiding Han Mubo.

It’s surprisingly easy. Almost painfully so. It makes him wonder whether it was always him chasing after Mubo.

He wouldn’t be surprised. There’s something about the other trainee that has people regarding him with some sort of awe. He’s like an untouchable figure who can only be admired from a distance. He’s perfectly put together, even his pajamas match.

He’s the complete opposite of Qin Fen and, despite having a bit more experience in the industry, Qin Fen has always felt like he needs to catch up to Han Mubo.

Qin Fen is leaving the practice room when he catches Mubo walking in with Li Junyi. The pair are laughing together and Fen feels his eyes sting.

He hadn’t even known the two were close but it makes sense; both of them are talented vocals, classically trained in instruments, both similar in personality.

Qin Fen doesn’t return to the dorm that night. He ends up crashing with Zheng Ruibin after Cai Xukun and, in a surprisingly mature move, Bu Fan make him leave the practice room.

He’s only able to avoid Mubo for so long. They end up sitting next to each other at the next elimination, obviously.

This feeling, the setting, is becoming far to familiar for him. He hates it. It’s made worse by the fact his nerves are already frayed from not talking to Mubo.

He’s worried about who will be going home. He’s worried for Dong Yanlei. He’s worried for Jing Peiyao and Qin Zimo and Zuo Ye.

He knows he, Jeffrey and Han Mubo have the best chance of staying, but nothing is guaranteed.

“OACA, OACA, OACA, please be OACA,” Qin Fen whispers.

It’s Yu Mingjun.

Qin Fen is happy for the younger trainee. He had comforted him the day before when he had started crying while writing his letter.

“Told you yesterday not to cry!” Qin Fen shouts at him. Mingjun laughs and wipes his eyes as he heads to the bottom of the stage. 

The ranking evaluation continues. He Dongdong drops far, Lou Zibo makes it in and Qin Zimo looks delighted, Lu Dinghao makes it to the next round too.

Xu Shengen makes it in and Qin Fen claps the loudest with Bu Fan and Xiao Gui.

“Xu Shengen is ours!” Qin Fen chants. “Xu Shengen is ours!” Bu Fan and Xiao Gui join in. He explains the chanting to a confused Ding Zeren, who laughs.

The numbers get higher and Qin Fen begins to getmore stressed. Lin Yanjun makes it in at twenty-two and Qin Fen begins to doubt the younger members of OACA will make it in.

He can feel Han Mubo clenching and unclenching his fists and it takes all his willpower to not reach over and take his hand, reassure him it will be okay.

But he remembers Mubo’s words and restrains himself.

“The trainee in 21st place. During the Position Evaluation mission, he displayed his hidden talent to the Citizen Producers”

Qin Fen sits up from where he’s bowed over and glances at Han Mubo, who’s eyes are wide. Relief floods through him because he knows it’s Mubo.

“This has left a very deep impression on the Citizen Producers”

Jeffrey reaches forward, “mom,” he lightly shakes Mubo and Qin Fen flushes. Mubo has his hands clasped in front of his face.

Zhu Xingjie turns in his chair.

“Han Mubo. Cello. It’s you,” the younger trainee says confidently. Qin Fen is holding his breath.

“OACA, OACA, OACA...” he repeats, looking at Zhang Yixing. Yixing looks back up at him.

“I see that eye contact has already been made!” Bu Fan booms.

“From Citizen Producers he received a total of 2,711,723 votes...Trainee Qin Fen”

Qin Fen freezes, brain blue-screening. What? No way. It takes him a while to remember Zhang Yixing’s tendency to tease.

“Look at me”

Fen laughs nervously as Mubo nearly collapses in his seat.

“I’m looking,” he says, relieved.

“What is your hidden talent?” Ding Zeren laughs.

“I have no hidden talents,” Qin Fen responds, not looking away from Zhang Yixing, almost as if looking away would mean Han Mubo doesn’t make it through. “Talent of being a nanny”

“He is from OACA,” Zhang Yixing says with a smile. “Trainee Han Mubo”

Fen feels happiness course through him and he pulls Mubo into a hug. He’s hit with such intense feelings of longing and a sense of security at the familiar embrace.

“Ahh, it really scared me to death!” Han Mubo laughs as the baby line take turns hugging him too.

Qin Zimo traps Zuo Ye in a hug with Mubo. Fen and Peiyao join in and it becomes one giant group hug.

“Congratulations mom,” Jeffrey says earnestly and Mubo squeezes his hand as he makes his way up to the front.

“In What I Miss, he added in the cello and started the performance with elegance,” Yixing says, “very well done. Please continue to work hard” 

Qin Fen relaxes. He’s still somewhat nervous for him, but he knows thanks to the extra votes from Turn Up that his chances are high.

Twenty is announced and Qin Fen exhales. Height of a model, improved all around but especially in rap thanks to the help of others...it has to be Dong Yanlei.

It ends up being Mu Ziyang and Qin Fen feels like his heart sinks to his feet. He also feels like that was a bit unnecessarily cruel; making everyone think it was Yanlei and getting the younger trainee’s hopes up before dashing them.

Luo Zheng gives a long speech entirely about Dong Yanlei and the other trainees begin to laugh amongst themselves. Nearly every trainee is aware of Luo Zheng’s crush on Dong Yanlei except for Luo Zheng himself.

Qin Fen shakes his head at the absolute obliviousness that exists in one human being.

The fact that Dong Yanlei, who had been stoic this entire time, begins to cry at Luo Zheng’s words makes Qin Fen realize that maybe Luo Zheng’s feelings are returned.

Yet another reason he hopes Dong Yanlei makes it in.

Zuo Ye begins crying at Lin Yanjun’s speech.

“I want to apologize to Zuo Ye. During the final arrangement, I have an ending pose I was supposed to do with Zuo Ye. But we were never really satisfied with it,” Qin Fen puts a comforting hand on the youngest’s leg, “and Zuo Ye kept saying, “Leader, should we practice it again” but because I was probably gathering everyone together or something like that, I was very busy with this so I said let’s leave it for later...” Zuo Ye looks even more upset and Fen knows he can’t look at the youngest without beginning to cry as well. “I realized that it seems that I’ve done something wrong”

Qin Fen glances up and wraps an arm around Zuo Ye’s shoulder, squeezing his neck comfortingly but still unable to look at him because even the brief glimpse he got made his eyes sting with tears.

He knows he has to be strong for the baby line, and for the other trainees who didn’t make it.

“I believe that among true brothers,” Yixing says, “there are times where you don’t need to say too much but everyone will still be able to feel what he truly wants to say to you”

Zhang Yixing’s gaze lands on Qin Fen as he says the last line and Fen swallows past the lump on his throat.

The microphone passes to Han Mubo.

“Over here I would like to thank one person,” Qin Fen blinks, “and that is Li Junyi,” the sharp spike of pain in Fen’s chest leaves him breathless and he bites the inside of his cheek to keep the hurt at bay, even though he knows it’s ridiculous. “He helped me shoulder much of my stress and he also taught me many things. I’m really very thankful for him”

This time it’s Zuo Ye who rubs a comforting hand on Fen’s shoulder as he struggles to breathe past the lump in his throat.

He focuses on Yue Yue and Ling Chao going up. He goes over to hug Li Xikan.

Fen is actually beginning to wonder if he made it at all.

“I am very stressed now,” he says to Zuo Ye, who looks concerned.

Yixing calls Jeffrey’s name and Qin Fen exhales. He’s so happy for Jeffrey but also, the doubt in his heart grows.

Jeffrey practically falls into Fen’s arms as he hugs him and Fen smiles.

“You did good,” Fen whispers to him before going to sit back down.

He stands to congratulate Yanchen in fourteen and Xingjie in thirteen and Li Quanzhe in twelve, he realizes somehow he’s slipped from twelve out of the top 35.

“More than eight million,” Qin Fen whispers to the baby line. Zuo Ye looks slightly dazed.

When Li Quanzhe ends up in spot twelve, Qin Fen comes to the sudden realization that he’s somehow slipped from twelve to out of the top thirty-four.

There’s still the 35th spot though.

Zuo Ye is looking genuinely worried for Qin Fen, hand anxiously squeezing Fen’s leg hard enough that it kind of hurts. Fen reaches out to take Zuo Ye’s hand in his instead.

“He is a trainee that is not easy,” Fen exhales sharply. He hears someone clap from the chairs.

“Qin Fen!”

“Fen-ge!”

“Qin Fen!”

The trainees begin shouting his name and he huffs a laugh with his head bowed. Zuo Ye squeezes his hand.

“Fen-ge!” Dong Yanlei says happily.

“Not easy, Fen-ge,” Zuo Ye beams.

“He’s really, really-“

“Really not easy,” Zuo Ye finishes with a bright look in his eyes. “Fen-ge,” Zuo Ye looks happier than if he were the one going up. Qin Zimo keeps standing up and sitting back down anxiously.

Zhang Yixing looks amused.

“Is he easy?” Yixing asks the trainees.

“Not easy!” Bu Fan’s voice is the loudest of the trainees who answered.

Qin Fen smiles helplessly at them.

“He is not easy. It is really not easy for him”

“I mean, he is quite old,” Ling Chao says. Qin Fen looks down as the trainees giggle to each other.

“He is OACA trainee Qin Fen!”

Dong Yanlei lets out a happy shout as he gets to his feet.

Qin Fen feels a rush of relief as the trainees hug him in congratulations. The baby line squish him into a group hug and he laughs.

“I don’t wanna hug like this,” Dong Yanlei says, jumping over the back of the chair to hug Qin Fen like an oversized koala “I want to hug like this!” his ridiculously long limbs clamping around Fen as he patiently bears his weight without stumbling back.

He fiercely hopes that Dong Yanlei will be number 35, as the younger trainee lets go.

Qin Fen makes his way next to Li Quanzhe, being stopped every few feet to be congratulated.

“With difficulty he practiced the dance with his group members again and again. Even to his competitors, he did his best to help them. That is commendable. Continue to work hard,” Zhang Yixing says.

He sees Dong Yanlei and Li Rang and Jing Peiyao sitting in the audience and he makes the sudden realization that he’s the only one from Turn Up to have made it up. Even though he knows it’s not really his fault, as leader he does feel slightly responsible.

Qin Fen thinks about what he’s going to say.

“Hello everyone, I’m Qin Fen from OACA...firstly, I would like to thank everyone here including the trainees, behind-the-scenes staff, as well as PD Zhang, thank you all,” he bows, “and I also would like to thank the Citizen Producers who voted for me. I’m really very, very thankful. Actually, I participated in this competition all because of my didis. Actually that day, Zhu Yunyi and Zhu Yuntian, their brotherly love and their yearning for the stage, I kept crying after seeing it. Their passion for the stage made me think of when I was young,” the trainees all start laughing. Dong Yanlei claps his hands like a seal. “Lastly, I would like to say the harder you work, the luckier you are. I hope this luck belongs to us because we have all worked hard. Thank you”

Qin Fen notes Yanlei, the Zhu twins and the OACA baby line all have wet eyes and he realizes he wishes for so, so many other people to move onward. He feels his chest clench at the thought that so many of the didis he’s become close with will he leaving.

The top nine are revealed with Cai Xukun getting first again, obviously, and Justin coming in second.

The moment everyone has been waiting for happens.

The announcement of the 35th trainee.

Qin Fen’s heart is in his throat at Yanlei and Zuo Ye being potential candidates along with Hu Zhibang and Li Rang.

Everyone begins cheering for Dong Yanlei.

“Zuo Ye!” Qin Fen shouts, jumping to his feet and clapping his hands. 

He’s painfully torn between Dong Yanlei and Zuo Ye. He really wants them both to stay. He suspects it will be Dong Yanlei.

They announce 38 and 37 and Qin Fen feels a swell of disappointment that Dong Yanlei is 37th. Qin Zimo and Jing Peiyao are clinging tightly to the youngest. 

Qin Fen holds his breath as he paces anxiously in place. He instinctively catches Han Mubo’s gaze. He can tell from the furrowing of his brows that Mubo is worried too.

Bu Fan convinces him to sit back down and Qin Fen repeats Zuo Ye’s name like a prayer, eyes burning with unshed tears.

Zuo Ye is 36th and Qin Fen feels his heart sink. Qin Zimo looks devastated. Zuo Ye looks mostly resigned but content.

Li Quanzhe rubs a comforting hand on Qin Fen’s back as Qin Fen presses the corners of his eyes and lowers his head to hide the tears.

36\. How cruel.

Bu Fan and Li Quanzhe are both rubbing Fen on the back. He glances down the row at Mubo. The other trainee is pinching the bridge of his nose.

Qin Zimo seems more upset about the situation than Zuo Ye. But that doesn’t surprise Fen.

“The trainee who is in 36, Zuo Ye from OACA,” Yixing’s words send another swell of sharp disappointment through Fen.

The mic passes to Zuo Ye, who stands.

“I want to thank every single gege who helped me,” he begins calmly, “and also the Citizen Producers who voted for me. I think that this ranking actually does not represent anything,” Qin Fen feels the tears burn again at baby Zuo He’s mature words. Li Quanzhe settles a warm, comforting hand on Fen’s leg as Zuo Ye continues. “Because this is just the beginning of your dream. I always believe in doing your best and seeing what fate has for you. I believe in this saying so I have no regrets. I just hope that my geges can be well. Jiayou”

“Jiayou, Zuo Ye!” Fen looks down the row at Mubo, who had shouted. Something in his chest squeezes as Mubo lowers his head and he wants more than anything to rush down the row and hug Mubo.

Then Dong Yanlei speaks and Fen feels his already battered heart get even more bruised.

He glances at Luo Zheng who looks slightly lost and very confused.

Li Junyi’s soft voice echoes through the room. Trainees who had previously been dry-eyed began to sniffle.

By the time the ranking evaluation ends, Qin Fen is exhausted and tired of crying and wants nothing more than to go to sleep.

Whatever weird tension there was between him and Han Mubo dissipates briefly in the face of goodbyes.

He sees Luo Zheng and Dong Yanlei hugging each other and smiles slightly.

“You are leaving,” Qin Fen hugs the resident annoyance, Qin Zimo, “my source of happiness is gone”

He gives in to the overwhelming urge from earlier and hugs Mubo too. His friend returns the embrace, squeezing him tightly.

Maybe the situation between them is not so bleak.

They end up having to adjust teams for the songs. Qin Fen knows instinctively he’s going to be voted out of Firewalking.

When they rally votes, Qin Fen doesn’t really try. Instead, he tries to make the younger trainees laugh, tries to lighten the atmosphere because it’s getting too serious. Even with Lin Yanjun’s dramatic begging and Yue Yue’s ridiculous stretching move, it’s still rather tense.

He succeeds in making them all laugh but then Lin Chaoze has to go and make the mood somber again so Fen feels like his efforts went to waste.

He wonders what the other groups are doing. How they’re managing it.

Sure enough, it’s him and Yue Yue and Li Xikan.

He can’t help but feel a little hurt, even if he knows it was inevitable. The dance is hard on his knees and Yue Yue has a bad waist. He’s curious about why Li Xikan was voted out though.

Qin Fen probably brought it on himself with his incessant joking about being old and tired anyway.

But then the reality sets in.

Without the safety of Firewalking, he could risk ending up in I Will Always Remember with Mubo. He doesn’t think he can handle that.

First, the free agent trainees are sent to Listen to What I Say. After a ridiculous welcoming ceremony they pick Zheng Ruibin and Cai Xukun before debating on the remaining two.

If he doesn’t stay with this team, he knows that he’ll most likely end up in I Will Always Remember. Half the team there is aware he had been a vocalist before being a rapper.

Except Han Mubo is in that team and singing a ballad with Han Mubo...

He doesn’t think his heart can take that.

“Don’t worry, I can sing!” Qin Fen says, “my hidden talent is I used to be a vocal. Starting tomorrow, I’ll start practicing vocals”

The other trainees with him are looking at him in sympathy. They must have figured out that Qin Fen is desperately trying to avoid I Will Always Remember.

“What am I doing right now exactly,” he jokes to Yue Yue.

Blessedly, Yue Yue lets it slide and plays along. “We’re all trying to make a living, it’s hard,” he pats Fen on the back, “I feel you, I feel you”

Bu Fan, Xiao Gui and Xu Shengen begin to discuss and Fen feels like his chances are low.

It’s obvious they’re torn between him and Wang Ziyi, so they settle it by spinning a bottle.

Qin Fen knows his luck is terrible. They might as well have just picked Ziyi. He dramatically sinks to the ground, to hide his racing heart.

“Fen-ge, you always...” Yue Yue stops himself, “please stop scaring my Fen-ge, okay?” he says to the group.

“Is this fine Qin Fen?” Xiao Gui asks seriously, “is this fine, Ziyi?”

At the affirmative from both, Xiao Gui spins the bottle.

True to Fen’s prediction, it lands on Wang Ziyi. Fen feels sick. He knows without a doubt that he’ll end up in I Will Always Remember. Of the remaining trainees, he’s the only one with extensive vocal experience. Yue Yue is a rapper. Li Rang is a rapper. He knows Xikan will end up in Listen to What I Say because he has more vocal experience than the other two.

Wang Ziyi gives him a long look before asking that the bottle be spun again.

“I feel it’d be more fair this way,” Ziyi says, “because I feel...it’s possible that this opportunity is very important. That’s why I feel. Seeing how he’s-“ Ziyi cuts himself off, “is it that you really want to stay in this group?”

The other trainees glance at Qin Fen, a flicker of understanding on their faces. Xiao Gui seems about to protest but Bu Fan stops him in an uncharacteristically perceptive move.

Qin Fen’s watches, heart in his throat as the bottle lands on his side. Twice.

Relief and something like a flash of regret washes through him as he and Ziyi hug.

“You can’t avoid him forever, ge,” Wang Ziyi says softly as he pulls away. Qin Fen sighs and looks away. He knows the younger trainee is right. It’s already hard enough not talking to Han Mubo. If it weren’t for the other trainee, he wouldn’t have come on this show. Lao Han has been his source of strength throughout it all, his rock when he feels like a buoy drifting in the ocean.

“I know,” Fen responds quietly. “Thank you, Ziyi. Right now I owe you a very big one”

“Nah, really”

“I owe you a big one,” Fen says with meaning.

Ziyi smiles his gentle smile and bids the group farewell before leaving the practice room.

Bu Fan and Cai Xukun glance worriedly at Qin Fen. Shengen looks concerned. Zheng Ruibin pats Fen on the shoulder sympathetically.

“Alright,” Fen says, “let’s start practicing!”

The others exchange glances, but nobody says anything much to Fen’s relief and gratitude.


	13. what i miss

“Someone’s here, someone’s here!” You Zhangjing says.

“Really?” Jeffrey perks up. “I saw Qin Fen’s face!”

Han Mubo freezes. No way. No way would Fen end up in a pop ballad.

“The one in front is rap group,” Zhou Rui says, “those who are into hip-hop, rap and such surely none of them are left”

“Oh, right,” Jeffrey says in disappointment.

You Zhangjing is flailing his arms. Han Mubo instinctively grabs the one in front of him.

There’s a series of knocks that end up being Jeffery and Zhangjing being obnoxious.

Except then there’s a real knock and Mubo feels his heart jump to his throat as Wang Ziyi, Li Rang and Yue Yue enter.

Han Mubo would be lying if he said he wasn’t disappointed that Qin Fen was not in the group of trainees that entered I Will Always Remember.

At the same time, he’s relieved because it means he can focus on singing rather than the fact that they’re not talking.

“I want to know what happened over there,” Bi Wenjun laughs.

“It’s just...” he glances at Han Mubo, “we didn’t get picked”

Mubo realizes there’s something more to it and it has something to do with him and Qin Fen.

Wang Ziyi gives him a sympathetic look and a gentle shoulder pat and Mubo grimaces.

The group ends up picking Wang Ziyi.

They play more silly games throughout the week. Musical chairs wearing a fat costume.

Qin Fen sits with his Listen To What I Say group and their bright reddish orange sweaters. Han Mubo is with the I Will Always Remember group in pink. Once Bu Fan announces he’s joining the Dream group in white, Mubo hears Fen’s voice.

“Bu Fan goes to the white team!” the other rappers cheer and Mubo watches Fen get to his feet and high-five the rest of his group.

It turns out to be Li Xikan and Jeffrey for the first round. Mubo half hopes he’ll go against Qin Fen, half hopes he won’t.

In the end it turns out to be Zhou Rui who goes against Fen.

Fen is wearing the most ridiculous monster suit that’s been blown up to the point where Fen can hardly sit down.

He does worry about Fen’s knee as the idiot bounces along. Qin Fen never knows when to slow down and take care of himself.

“Fen-ge is too cute!” he hears one of Fen’s teammates laugh and irritation flickers through him.

Han Mubo would be lying if he were to say he didn’t envy Qin Fen’s ability to just let go. His friend is flailing his hands in the air, looking like an idiot while everyone cheers him on.

It only drives home just how popular Qin Fen actually is amongst the trainees and makes Han Mubo realize Fen probably doesn’t even need Mubo in his life.

He feels himself turn into an internal puddle of misery at that thought.

“Fen-ge is too cute!” he hears again before they’re all rushing to the middle.

Fen’s team is chaotic and loud and when Qin Fen loses in the second round, he spins in a circle before falling to the ground and they go crazy; stomping their feet and clapping their hands. Even Han Mubo can’t help but clap as a smile steals across his face.

Immediately Qin Fen is crowded by younger trainees who begin messing with his fatsuit. Han Mubo glances at his friend, again fretting about his knee.

“Help me up,” Fen pleads. Lou Zibo and Bu Fan help him up to his feet.

“It’s not easy Fen-ge, with your age it’s already not easy,” Bu Fan laughs. Han Mubo watches as Fen waddles over to the side, favoring his left leg again.

Han Mubo ends up in an emoji costume like Lin Yanjun. He feels utterly ridiculous.

“Are they wearing a couple’s costume?” someone shouts as Han Mubo walks out. He wishes he was as comfortable as Qin Fen, but he tries his best by making a stupid face.

“Han Mubo’s costume is really idiotic,” he thinks it’s Jeffrey who says that.

Ouch. But not wrong.

Lin Yanjun gets out first and makes a dramatic show of it by leaning against the wall and pretending to mope while people make fun of him.

He flops facedown on the ground by Qin Fen. Han Mubo tries not to think about the fact that Qin Fen is standing on his side now that Mubo is gone.

Irritation flickers through him as Qin Fen waddles to stand over Lin Yanjun and he may have sat in the chair a little more aggressively than he had intended.

“This isn’t easy to choose,” he hears Qin Fen say, “Xiao Gui is in my group, Lao Han is my company...”

It gives Han Mubo a brief flicker of hope, but also distracts him enough that Xiao Gui wins.

Mubo tries not to be too disappointed, especially not as Qin Fen rushes over to him. Their entire group begins to dance to Listen to What I Say and Qin Fen’s fatsuit comes undone in the back.

Instinctively, used to helping Fen, Mubo goes to close it back up. Fen turns to face him, looking surprised and Mubo backs away, there’s a moment where they meet each other’s eyes before Mubo walks away.

There’s a brief moment of discomfort amongst the other trainees before the next group is called forward.

“Mubo-ge...” Zhangjing says as Han Mubo goes to sit back down.

“It’s fine,” he shakes his head.

Zhangjing sighs and exchanges a concerned glance with Ziyi.

They end up being bundled into an auditorium. The production staff sticks Qin Fen next to Han Mubo, of course, and Jeffrey on the other side.

It seems like the production team is just as invested in getting them to make up as the trainees seem to be.

Zhang Yixing comes in with a box of lip balms.

The pair of them hardly interact with each other. When the cameras are on them, they interact a bit more for the cameras.

They play the songs. Han Mubo really wants to be in Zhang Yixing’s group.

“It’s like a song to promote a movie!” Qin Fen says to Mubo excitedly as Zero plays, seemingly forgetting they’re avoiding each other.

They get informed that 10-35 draws lots to decide their order.

Yue Yue ends up getting 35 and everyone groans. Mubo grimaces. Yue Yue has had the worst luck of anyone this entire show.

Qin Fen goes first because Mubo ended up pulling 28. Mask is still open, so he’s hoping he’s able to go go.

Luckily, he makes it into the song he wanted.

He finds out from a very noisy Justin that Fen chose 24K Magic Havana Remix. He had suspected Fen would chose Zero.

Honestly it kind of blows Mubo’s mind that Qin Fen chose a dance song rather than a rap song. But Mubo also defied people’s expectations by choosing a dance song over a ballad.

Mubo is in an odd group. He’s never been in a group with Lin Chaoze, Lou Zibo, Cai Xukun or Zheng Ruibin. Mubo is a little disappointed that You Zhangjing isn’t with him, but that quickly pales at the prospect of working with Zhang Yixing.

Li Quanzhe, for some reason, becomes rather attached to him.

There’s also a level of awkwardness that all the trainees seem to experience around Zhang Yixing, Mubo included. Cai Xukun is by far the worst and the other trainees found it endlessly entertaining that cool Kunkun became such a flustered fanboy.

Practicing with Yixing is a lot. He’s very meticulous and demands more than perfection and Mubo is more than willing to rise to the challenge.

It’s the night before the final ranking evaluation and Mubo knows he’s probably not going to make it in the top 20.

He doesn’t know how he feels about it, which is why at two in the morning he’s sitting on the floor of the Mask practice room when the door opens and Wang Ziyi enters.

It’s deja vu with Zhangjing.

“Have you talked to Fen-ge?” Ziyi asks, sitting next to him. Mubo looks away.

“What really happened when rearranging for Listen To What I Say?” Mubo asks instead.

Ziyi sighs.

“What did you hear?”

“Nothing. But now I know something did happen”

“Mubo-ge, you should talk to Qin Fen,” Ziyi says gently. “This thing between you two...it won’t be sorted out on its own”

Mubo studies Ziyi’s handsome profile. 

“Are you and Xukun a thing?” Mubo blurts out. He winces immediately after the words leave his mouth.

Ziyi doesn’t seem fazed by it at all. He just smiles his gentle smile.

“No. We’ve talked about it, about our feelings for each other, but we haven’t discussed anything further because it’s too uncertain right now. Which is why I’m pushing you to talk to Fen-ge. Kunkun and I would still be dancing around the subject of our feelings if we hadn’t talked”

Mubo groans and runs a hand through his hair.

“You and Zhangjing and Yue Yue and Junyi...all told me the same thing”

“Why haven’t you done it?”

Mubo shrugs. He genuinely doesn’t know what’s holding him back. At first he thought it was fear. Then he wondered if it was pride.

“I’ll do it after the ranking evaluation,” Mubo says.

“Promise?”

“I promise”

Ziyi looks pleased and he claps Mubo on the shoulder.

“You deserve to be happy, Mubo-ge. You and Fen-ge both”

Mubo wishes he could see what Ziyi and the others saw.


	14. slowly wait

The final ranking evaluation before the debut stage.

Mubo knows that he’s not going to make it into the top twenty and he’s surprisingly at ease with it, even if he’s disappointed.

He’s done his best and he’s made it far and he still gets to perform with Zhang Yixing.

After the OACA kids and Dong Yanlei left, Han Mubo and Qin Fen ended up focusing on Jeffrey as their remaining kid.

They end up sitting next to each other with Ruibin next to Fen and Jeffrey next to Mubo.

Qin Fen doesn’t look in Mubo’s direction and the other trainees can clearly sense the awkwardness between them.

“Trainee Qin Fen,” Zhang PD says. Mubo glances over. “Your hair looks very good,” Mubo feels a faint flicker of jealousy he knows is irrational.

Qin Fen has an odd relationship with Zhang Yixing.

They both have an understanding of what it was like to train and debut overseas, but where Zhang Yixing’s career took off, Qin Fen ended up back at the starting block. “Are you using your hair to conceal the nervousness in your heart?”

Mubo glances at Fen as he answers in the affirmative with a nervous laugh. The other trainees chatter in an awkward attempt to calm their nerves.

Fen still hasn’t looked at Mubo.

“I feel like I’ll be leaving,” Jeffrey says anxiously.

“Mubo. What was your ranking last time?”

Han Mubo feels nauseous as he answers. “Last time I ranked 21st”

It’s painfully reminiscent of X-Fire when he ranked tenth. He doesn’t want to rank twenty-first this time.

“Then what do you think your ranking will be this time?”

Mubo’s brain blue-screens.

“Aiyo,” he says involuntarily. The trainees around him laugh. “I predict this time I’ll be outside rank twenty,” he feels Qin Fen shift beside him.

“If this time around you are still rank twenty-one then...”

“I’m screwed,” Han Mubo says without thinking. All the trainees burst into laughter. Even Zhang PD laughs despite looking like he didn’t want to. He can feel Qin Fen lower his head. Zhang PD wishes him luck and he sits back down.

“No,” Mubo finally speaks to his friend, are they still friends?, “he pointed me out because I’m really...I am really twenty-first”

Fen’s only response is a blink.

They revealed the highest score between Justin and Cai Xukun. Mubo holds his breath. If Cai Xukun’s team wins...

Qin Fen is holding onto Zheng Ruibin, causing Mubo’s conflicting feelings. They were both on Listen to What I Say team.

Cai Xukun has more votes.

“We’ve won, we’ve won,” Qin Fen says confidently to Zheng Ruibin. Mubo turns to look at him. Zheng Ruibin and Qin Fen are holding hands. “My math is good,” he briefly reaches his other hand towards Mubo before letting it drop back in his lap.

Mubo feels a sharp stab of pain in his chest.

Listen to What I Say Team wins. But not by much. Mubo exhales because it means Qin Fen receives 50,000 extra votes. He knows Fen is secure.

He knows deep inside he’s not going to make it through.

“The trainee in 19th place is a rapper”

“There’s quite a few rappers,” Fen laughs.

Han Mubo looks at his friend. “No, I’m a rapper,” he says jokingly. Fen just gives him a look.

“He was a member of Listen to What I Say team”

Fen sits up, eyes wide. Mubo glances at him. No way is Fen this low. No way. Zheng Ruibin latches tightly onto Fen.

“He is from M-Nation, congratulations Xu Shengen!”

Zheng Ruibin and Qin Fen are cheering for Shengen.

“Super counterattack,” Mubo says smiling at Fen who returns it. The tension between them dissipates for a moment and it feels like they’re back to normal.

“Truly!” Fen laughs and Mubo wants to hug him.

Li Xikan goes up and they announce rank seventeen.

“During the previous evaluation he was from Firewalking. During the regrouping period he got shifted to a different team”

Mubo frowns. Only Yue Yue and Qin Fen were shifted from Firewaking. Could Fen really be this low?

“It’s just the two of you,” Mubo says to Fen, who gives a brief nod. He’s holding his breath. “I’m already prepared to be 20th place”

Fen’s hand curls around his thigh and his heart hammers in his chest at the contact.

Han Mubo makes no move to push Qin Fen away this time.

“20, 21...”

“No, no, you’ll make it,” Fen says with a confidence Mubo wishes he possessed. The warmth of Fen’s hand seeps through the fabric of his pants.

“He is, the road hasn’t been easy from the beginning,” Mubo lightly pats Qin Fen on the thigh as he leans into Ruibin. Cheers fill the room. “A trainee from OACA, Congratulations Qin Fen”

Ruibin pulls him up by their linked hands and is the first one to hug him.

Han Mubo feels his eyes sting with unshed tears. He had known he wasn’t going to make it in, but the reality that he and Fen are going to be split up hits painfully.

Jeffrey goes up after much teasing from Zhang Yixing followed by Lin Chaoze.

The microphone passes to Qin Fen.

“I think we are all quite successful today,” Fen says, “there’s no need to cry, I won’t cry today either. I cried last time and looked so ugly on camera. I definitely won’t cry today. Unless!” Mubo looks up, “Lao Han leaves”

Everybody grins at that. Hope floods Mubo’s chest.

“If I leave and you don’t cry, what’s going to happen?” Mubo fires back, feeling light. “Are you contradicting yourself?”

“I will definitely cry,” Qin Fen says honestly. Mubo feels a tightness in his chest. “I think each one of us has our own charms. Everyone has his own strengths. We express our charms and strengths on the stage and we won’t have any regrets. So no matter if it’s the people who stay or the people who leave, we shouldn’t have any regrets,” he looks right at Han Mubo as he says that. “Because we are all the best”

Mubo exhales. The trainees head to their seats and Qin Fen gestures at Mubo, who nods.

The ranking evaluation continues.

Then it’s the penultimate moment. The trainee in rank 20. Mubo can see Fen whispering his name and his chest feels light again.

They list off the rankings of the remaining fifteen trainees. Luo Zheng fumbles through an awkward, choppy speech that has Qin Fen mimicking him.

Han Mubo looks at the screen.

Rank 24.

He dropped. But he’s not surprised.

The microphone passes to him and he sees Qin Fen fighting back tears in his chair.

“Qin Fen and I’s age is relatively older,” he says, seeing his friend cover his eyes with his hand. He knows Fen is crying. “And in this program, it’s not that we’re older and have something like an inextinguishable desire and wanted to participate in this program so badly. I said just right at this age we waited for this program and waited for this chance, so we definitely still had to come and participate. And also, Lao Qin,” he looks up at his friend through blurry eyes. Fen has his hand over his face again, head bowed, “sure enough, cried from the feelings of the solemn situation and I want to tell you we each have different fates, wealth and honor are up to the heavens. As long as we keep working hard, even if we go out, everyone will walk down their path very well. I hope all my brothers here, if there’s a chance, if we can meet up, then everyone should meet up. Well have fun together, alright?” the surrounding trainees begin to clap.

Qin Fen’s face is wet with tears, but they’ve stopped falling.

“Go home and wait for me!” he shouts, forcing a smile. Mubo nods.

Zhou Rui’s speech makes everyone laugh, the atmosphere lightening somewhat.

The twentieth trainee is Zheng Ruibin. Zhou Yanchen is in the cruel position of twenty-first and Han Mubo can’t help but think if the positions had been reversed and Dream had won over Listen to What I Say, Zhou Yanchen would be going up and Qin Fen would be leaving.

Zhang PD announces there’s still the mentor collaboration stage, which lightens the mood slightly.

Han Mubo watches as Fen makes his way down the pyramid. He knows that Fen is restraining himself in front of the cameras and the other trainees.

Him and Cai Xukun are holding hands in solidarity and Han Mubo slips out as Qin Fen turns to hug Chen Linong.

He quietly returns to his dorm. He feels exhausted. The mentor collaboration stage is in three days.

Mubo kind of wishes Fen had chosen Mask now.

The door opens and Fen comes flying in. He throws his arms around Mubo’s neck and holds him close.

Mubo rubs reassuring circles against Fen’s back as tears wet his shoulder.

“I’m not going to leave any regrets,” Qin Fen says, pulling back as he leans in and kisses him. 

After a brief moment of shock, Mubo leans into the kiss. It’s an awkward, somewhat clumsy kiss and Qin Fen’s face is damp, but Mubo doesn’t care.

He can’t believe this is happening. That Fen is kissing him like this.

They end up kissing like that until they fall asleep, being woken up by someone pounding in their door to track down Qin Fen for practice.

They don’t get a chance to talk about the kiss because the mentor collaboration stage happens; they end up coming and going from the dorms at different times. When they do have the chance to spend time together, it’s usually surrounded by other trainees.

But they’ve stopped avoiding each other and, while Mubo is still hesitant about blatant physical affection, he no longer pulls away when Fen takes his hand under the table or kisses him quickly in a darkened doorway.

Mubo is less showy; making sure Fen isn’t overworking himself and his knee or saving a spot for him at the table.

He’s even started making small physical overtures such as brushing Fen’s hair out of his face, or sitting close enough that their legs are pressed together. It’s worth stepping out of his comfort zone because every time Mubo initiates even the smallest touch, Fen beams at him with a content expression that Mubo has rarely seen before but it makes Mubo’s heart do funny things.

The other trainees are obviously relieved that Han Mubo and Qin Fen are back to normal. Jeffrey practically vibrates with excitement every time they’re together and for some reason Li Xikan looks very disappointed for several days.

Mubo finds out later that the other trainees had a bet running on when or if “Mufen”, as he learned their ship name was, would sort things out. Apparently Qian Zhenghao won quite a lot of money but if it had been a day later, Xikan would have been the winner.

Unfortunately, their newfound happiness isn’t meant to last because the collaboration stage ends and then Han Mubo is packing and getting ready to leave.

He spends most of his last night revisiting the practice rooms and the convenience store. He ends up on the roof of the practice building and can’t help but shake the melancholy.

That’s where Qin Fen finds him.

The other trainee wraps his arms around Mubo’s waist and rests his chin on his shoulder. He’s warm against Mubo’s back.

Nothing is said between them as they stare out at the buildings, but the tight way that Fen holds onto him says everything.

Mubo wishes he wasn’t leaving Fen behind.

Eventually, they get back to the dorms which is where Fen kisses him with longing and regret and affection and a million other things that has Mubo going weak at the knees.

They fall asleep tangled tightly together. No words are exchanged between them and Mubo wonders if it’s because they’re afraid of breaking whatever tenuous seeming thing is between them now.

Han Mubo knows he won’t be able to face a goodbye so he quietly slips out the next morning while Fen is still asleep, disentangling himself carefully before pressing a soft kiss to Fen’s lips.

They’ll see each other again soon.


	15. home is...

Qin Fen realizes that being on his own, being without Han Mubo is agonizing.

It was one thing to be avoiding him but know that Mubo was still there. Now, Mubo is several hundred miles away back at OACA.

He wonders if it would be easier if Mubo had left while they were still avoiding each other, but he thinks that might have made it worse.

Xu Shengen and Jeffrey both stick pretty closely to him, but after Listen to What I Say, Shengen has been spending more time with Bu Fan and Xiao Gui.

Zheng Ruibin seems to fill the void.

Mubo had left without them being able to sort out their feelings, without them being able to figure out what exactly they were. It leaves Qin Fen feeling restless.

Qin Fen realizes then that he doesn’t want to debut without Han Mubo. He doesn’t really want to make it into the top 9 because that means another year without seeing Mubo and he really doesn’t think he can handle that.

The center contest for Mack Daddy, he decides to do something ridiculous. His skrt skrt ends up being laughed about by the other trainees for weeks. They find him in the hallway and go “skrt skrt”

It’s funny for awhile, but Fen wishes Mubo was with him. He can picture the expression on Mubo’s face, the quiet judgement mixed with irrepressible fondness.

Mubo is used to his ridiculous antics by now.

His heart aches as he thinks about Han Mubo and he wonders what the other trainee is doing.

He heard that Li Junyi joined OACA shortly after leaving Idol Producer. He’s glad that Mubo has another responsible person helping him babysit the troublemaking trio, even if he feels a flicker of sorrow and longing that he couldn’t be there too.

And if there’s a bit of jealousy in his uncertain heart, well, it’s not like anybody can blame him. He knows Junyi is straight and that he had, maybe still has, a girlfriend in college, but that doesn’t make the fact that him and Han Mubo had been close at Dachang.

But practice for Mack Daddy and the final stage takes up most of his time and his attention. He decides that when he next sees Mubo, they’ll figure out what exactly they are to each other.

Before he knows it, it’s the night of the final stage and the end of filming and all the eliminated trainees are returning.

Qin Fen rushes out of makeup when he hears the chatter of many voices.

He sees the eliminated trainees gathered in the backstage area and his gaze anxiously searches for one.

Dong Yanlei is approaching him but Fen’s gaze locks on Han Mubo. He shoves a flustered Luo Zheng into Yanlei’s path, causing the former to blush bright red and stutter as Yanlei catches him. He ignores the knowing looks as he quickly makes his way over to where Mubo is standing with the baby line and Li Junyi.

Junyi gently taps Mubo on the shoulder and he turns right as Qin Fen crashes into him.

“I missed you,” Fen says quietly. He feels Mubo squeeze back.

“I missed you too”

He becomes vaguely aware of Junyi herding the younger trio off somewhere else based on Zimo’s whining about not getting to talk to Fen-ge.

Qin Fen has never really known where his home is. It’s been too many years since he’s been back to his parents’ house, the dorms in Korea never felt like home, the OACA dorms were a bit closer to what home felt like but still not quite, and the Idol Producer dorms were nothing remotely close to home.

But as he closes his eyes and buries his head against Mubo’s shoulder and breathes in Mubo’s familiar scent, his familiar warmth, he thinks that just maybe his home isn’t a place.

“Hey,” Mubo’s fingers, tips calloused from years of cello playing, tap a rhythm on the side of Fen’s head. “You’ll mess up your makeup”

“I don’t care,” Fen says in a tone that is very much not pouting, thank you very much. “I missed you”

Mubo’s long fingers slide beneath Fen’s chin and gently but forcibly lift his head up. Fen swallows at the warmth hiding in Mubo’s eyes.

They complement each other; Han Mubo is steady, disciplined, rarely prone to sentiment. Fen is a Virgo; emotional and sentimental and finicky. Where Fen would be content to just stay like this; locked in a warm and familiar embrace, it’s Mubo who is pushing him away and reminding him why he’s here.

“If you make it-”

“I won’t,” Qin Fen murmurs.

Mubo gives him a long look. They both know that Qin Fen is right.

“Then be proud of whatever rank you do get,” Mubo’s warm hand wraps around the back of his neck. “You’ve made it this far. Be proud of that too”

Fen exhales. He wants to hug Mubo again, but his friend has his hand on Fen’s shoulder and is holding him back.

“Trainees, line up!”

Fen sends him a helpless look before they’re pulled in separate directions. Fen feels calmer than he has in weeks, since Mubo had left the show.

He knows he’s not going to make it into the top nine and he feels a strange sort of relief that once the night is over he’ll be going back with Mubo. He’ll be going home.


	16. hey you, pick me

Han Mubo watches Qin Fen dance to Mack Daddy and he can’t help the way he feels. Seeing Fen again, holding him and feeling his warmth made Han Mubo realize how much he’s missed him.

Fen doesn’t make it into the top nine.

Mubo is disappointed for Fen, but secretly relieved that Fen will be returning to OACA. That they won’t be apart from each other anymore. Before the show, they had talked about getting an apartment together once it was over. Moving out of the trainee dorms.

The show ends and the trainees are rushed backstage. The cameras don’t bother to capture anything going on back there because the show is over now.

It wouldn’t surprise Mubo if it was the staff’s quiet way of letting the trainees be able to say their farewells in private without prying eyes.

Mubo congratulates the top nine, almost on autopilot, waiting for Fen to make his way over to him.

He sees Wang Ziyi and Cai Xukun holding hands and talking quietly in the corner. They’re standing so close together there is barely any space between them. There’s something soft in Xukun’s expression and Ziyi looks at him like he holds the stars in his eyes.

He watches as Ding Zeren latches on to Zhou Yanchen’s arm and doesn’t seem to be letting go any time soon. The taller trainee is fussing with Zeren’s hair, an affectionate look on his face.

Qin Fen is being held up by trainees who haven’t seen him in weeks. Dong Yanlei, Chen Minghao and Mu Ziyang are the ones clinging to him the most. Mubo notes amusedly that Luo Zheng looks vaguely dazed, his hair is messed up and Yanlei’s jacket is slightly crooked.

Mubo also watches as Lin Yanjun and You Zhangjing sneak out of a dressing room together.

He would never have expected an idol survival show to give birth to so many relationships. X-Fire hadn’t been like that. At least, not as far as Mubo is aware, but he had also not been the most involved in the trainees’ lives instead hanging out in the periphery and not really getting too close to anyone.

Although he had met up with Wu Jiacheng, Wang Yuwei and Bin Junjie since.

He had always felt like X-Fire had been unfair to Junjie. Sure, the kid was a little plump for idol standards but his voice had been unlike anything Mubo had ever heard.

Mubo shakes his thoughts loose and glances over to where Qin Fen has been accosted by the baby line, the circle around him growing with more trainees. He gives up on waiting for Fen. He knows that eventually they’ll find each other and eventually they’ll go home together.

He is getting ready to change out of his grey uniform when he feels someone grab his wrist and pull him inside one of the changing rooms.

Before he can process what’s happening, full lips are pressed against his own and Fen’s hands are wrapped tightly around his wrists.

It’s a clumsy, awkward kiss at first. Fen is almost frantic and running on adrenaline but Mubo is able to gentle the kiss, softly pulling Fen against him.

He can feel Fen relax and allow him to guide the kiss. Mubo briefly remembers a few questioning, dared kisses between himself and the other members of X-Fire when they’d play games, but none of them made his heart race the way kissing Fen did. 

He settles his hands on Fen’s waist and Fen’s arms wrap around his neck as they kiss until they run out of air.

“This one is occupied,” he hears Junyi’s soft voice, “but I think that one is open”

“We should probably go,” Mubo says quietly. Fen bites his swollen lip in disappointment, but nods. Mubo presses a soft, chaste kiss to his lips.

Han Mubo emerges from the changing room, noting Li Junyi and Jeffrey making casual conversation by the door. They both send him hopeful, questioning glances and he flushes.

His expression must give him away because the pair look relieved and quite happy.

Qin Fen ducks out a few minutes later. His cheeks are flushed and his lips are still red and Mubo sighs as several trainees glance between the two of them with knowing amusement.

Wang Ziyi looks content as he sends Mubo a thumbs up, hand still entwined with Xukun’s. Yue Yue sends a nod in his direction as he tries to keep Ling Chao and Mu Ziyang from doing anything too inappropriate. You Zhangjing is grinning at him like he’s received a red packet, with Lin Yanjun staring with the most ridiculous lovestruck expression at the smaller Malaysian.

Luo Zheng is red-faced, casting glances at where Dong Yanlei is taking off his jacket, as Li Xikan and Yu Mingjun tease him with kissy faces.

Mubo goes back to the dorms with Qin Fen to get his things, promising the didis and Junyi that they would be back soon.

He’s grateful Junyi is able to handle the didis because Qin Zimo had nearly offered to go with them before Zuo Ye and Jing Peiyao had both made to stomp on his feet before Junyi intervened and mentioned he needed Zimo’s help with cleanup.

As soon as they’re in the dorms, Mubo pushes Fen against the wall and kisses him hard. Fen drops whatever he’s carrying and wraps his arms around Mubo’s neck, pulling him in close.

They kiss for several minutes, or maybe for several hours, time passes differently with Fen.

They eventually have to pull apart when Mubo’s phone buzzes repeatedly in his pocket. Fen drops his forehead on Han Mubo’s shoulder with a noise of complaint as Mubo pulls out his phone.

**_OACA Happy Family_ **

**Yaoyao**

01:32 _Bo-ge, where are you?_

01:40 _Bo-ge?_

01:42 _are you at the dorms?_

**Nuisance**

01:43 _hes probs with fen-ge still ;)_

**Ye-di**

01:45 _r u w/Fen-ge?_

01:45 _Fen-ge r u w/Bo-ge?_

**Nuisance**

01:46 _fen-ge doesnt have his phone remember_

**Uncle Junyi**

01:50 _They want us all to get ready to head back! Please call or text to let us know you guys are okay :)_

“It’s the others,” Mubo sighs. “They want us back”

Qin Fen makes a face before kissing Han Mubo. Mubo sinks into the kiss and Fen combs his fingers through Mubo’s hair, messing it up.

The phone buzzes against where it’s pressed against Fen’s waist and Fen wiggles slightly as it tickles.

“Let’s go,” Mubo says with a sigh. Fen nods, grabbing the handle of his luggage and following Mubo out of the dorms.

Before they reach the others, Fen stops.

“Lao Qin?”

“What are we?” he asks softly.

Mubo sighs, smoothing his hand through his hair.

“You’re mine and I’m yours,” he says.

That seems like that’s all that needs to be said because Qin Fen looks relieved, nodding and kissing Mubo quickly before they meet up with the rest.

The drive from Langfang back to Beijing is a long one. Two hours in the car.

Qin Fen falls asleep with his head on Mubo’s shoulder. Han Mubo gently tangles their fingers together on the seat between them, watching Fen’s sleeping face.

He’s suddenly flooded with a feeling of intense affection and a certainty of what the future holds.

Whatever happens from here on out, wherever their paths take them; debut or back to normal lives, they’ll be together. Mubo has no doubts about that.


	17. EXTRA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tysm everyone who stuck with this disaster fic i love you so so much and you guys were seriously what kept me writing ❤️  
> have some markson

“I thought you’d forget about me again,” Jackson Wang teases Qin Fen as the latter sits at the table across from him.

Qin Fen shakes his head, a slight smile playing on his lips.

“How could I ever forget about you, Jiaer,” he coos and Jackson fake gags.

“So. How are things with you and Lao Han,” he draws out the nickname Qin Fen has for Han Mubo, causing Fen to blush.

Since Idol Producer ended, Qin Fen and Han Mubo had found an apartment together not far from OACA Headquarters.

Although their imagined peaceful alone time was not the reality. Not when Jing Peiyao, Qin Zimo and Zuo Ye spent more time at their apartment than at the dorms.

Surprisingly, or maybe not, nothing much had changed between them from before except that they always shared a bed and there was a lot more kissing and touching.

It was almost too easy. When Qin Fen says that to Jackson, the younger rapper looks at him in solid disbelief.

“Easy?” Jackson chokes out, “easy, Fen-ge? Might I remind you of that month in Langfang-“

“Aish, I know, I know,” Fen holds up his hand, shaking his head. “You don’t need to bring it up”

“Easy,” Jackson shakes his head.

“Oh, you know Dong Yanlei and Luo Zheng finally sorted out their lives?”

Jackson snorts.

“I’m guessing it wasn’t Luo Zheng who made the first move,” Fen shakes his head. “I wonder what the fans would say if they knew how many idols were actually gay”

Fen crinkles his nose.

“Yeah, I don’t want to think about that,” he takes a sip of his water. “Speaking of moves...” Jackson buries his face in his hands, “you and Mark”

“Fen-ge, no”

“Fen-ge, yes,” Qin Fen responds, “come on, out with it. I know you Jiaer. The only time you’ve been that affectionate with someone was me when we were together”

“Fine! I like him,” Jackson huffs. Qin Fen grins and pulls out his phone.

“Take a selca with me,” Fen says, posing.

Jackson gives him a quizzical look but obeys. Fen quickly taps something on his phone and shows the screen to Jackson. Fen posted the picture on his Weibo.

He widens his eyes at the caption.

_catching up with @王嘉尔 😘✌️just like the good old days in Korea_

“Fen-ge, what...?”

“You’ll thank me later,” Qin Fen winks.

...

Jackson and Qin Fen leave the restaurant minutes after closing. They spent hours laughing and catching up. Jackson is glad that Fen is back in his life.

“I’ve missed hanging out with you like this, Jiaer,” Qin Fen pulls him in for a bro-hug. “

“Me too Fen-ge,” Jackson smiles.

Fen’s phone suddenly goes off in his pocket and Fen fishes it out. His expression lights up and he answers the phone immediately.

“Baobei,” Jackson cringes slightly at the term of endearment coming from Qin Fen. Cutesy nicknames have never been in line with Fen’s image. But at the genuinely content, almost sappy expression on his face, Jackson reconsiders.

Han Mubo is lucky. But also, the fact that one call from Mubo manages to put such an expression on Fen’s face makes Jackson realize what they have is real. He fiercely hopes that they stay together.

“Sure, I’ll pick it up on my way. I’m leaving now anyways. Mhm. See you in a bit. Love you”

When Qin Fen hangs up, Jackson makes an exaggerated grimace which earns him a shoulder punch that has him grinning.

They bid each other farewell with promises to hang out again before heading in opposite directions.

When he gets back to the apartment he shares with his bandmates, he sees Mark sitting on the couch and scrolling through his phone.

Mark looks up when Jackson comes in, a complicated expression passing over his face.

“I saw Qin Fen’s Weibo post,” Mark says in an odd tone, “I didn’t know you guys were still close”

“We reconnected after Idol Producer,” Jackson drops onto the couch next to him.

The others are out on individual schedules leaving Jackson and Mark alone in the apartment.

“You guys used to have a thing, right?”

Jackson eyes his groupmate curiously. He’s never seen such an expression on Mark’s face and an idea creeps into his head.

“Back in Korea, yeah,” Jackson says slowly, sitting up. “Why?”

Mark exhales and picks at the rip in his jeans.

“Mark?”

“Are you seeing him again?” Mark blurts out, picking faster, “he said “like the good old days” and I thought...”

“You thought?” Jackson moves closer.

Mark huffs and looks away; pink flushing his cheeks.

“...I thought maybe you guys were back together,” he mumbles.

“Would it bother you if we were?” Jackson asks carefully. Mark clenches his fist.

“...no”

Jackson sighs and reaches out, unclenching the tight fingers and sliding his own between them. Mark’s Ralph Lauren cologne washes over him and he breathes in the familiar scent.

“Fen-ge has a partner,” Jackson says, “I haven’t had feelings for Fen-ge in years and neither has he. He’s just like a brother to me,” Mark’s tense posture relaxes and Jackson feels confident in his conclusion. “There’s...actually someone else I like”

Again, Mark tenses.

Jackson knows that Mark is possessive and easily jealous. It’s one of the things he finds adorable about him. That and his quiet supportiveness and his tendency to think and process and analyze before speaking.

But that tendency to analyze is probably why Mark has never made a move. Which means it’s up to Jackson to take the leap.

He shifts and tugs Mark’s hand closer.

Mark looks at him, startled.

“He’s supportive and kind,” Jackson begins, running his thumb along the back of Mark’s knuckles, “he loves his family. He’s detailed and handsome, good looking with a nice personality...there’s too many reasons to list,” he hears Mark’s sharp inhale as Jackson quotes Jinyoung and Bambam. “He was my roommate for awhile too...”

“Jackson...”

“Should I go on?” Jackson looks up, gaze searching Mark’s handsome face, “or do you get it?”

“Tell me I’m handsome again?” Mark says cheekily. Jackson laughs.

“Why don’t I show you just how handsome you are to me,” he responds, leaning in.

The kiss is soft and gentle. Mark twines his arms around Jackson’s neck as he returns the kiss,

Jackson sends a silent thank you to Qin Fen for his silly Weibo post.


End file.
